Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 631
I took a tip from your history books, and, the day after election day, I got a truckload of Dr. Pepper and just drove it straight into Boston Harbor. See how you like your favorite beverage being drowned.
Sometimes my mother goes through my socks and underwear. I wouldn't mind, but it tickles so much!
Liberal and conservative have lost their meaning in America. I represent the distracted center.
I'm very romantic when I masturbate. I light some candles. Then I try to shoot them out when I'm done. Never invite me to a birthday party.
Even if you meet the perfect person, it ain't gonna be at the perfect time. You're married, they're single. That's right. You're Jewish, they're Palestinian. You're a Mexican, they're a raccoon. You're a black woman, he's a black man.
I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that.
Do you know they have a pill to stop you from gambling? What are the odds?
I think the Republicans took all the fun out of 'gay.' I mean the word gay - it's fun. But now it's a ban on same sex partners. That sounds horrible. I mean, when do you hear a ban? When it's a toxic pesticide or a nuclear warhead. And who wants to fuck a partner? It sounds like a guy in a gray suit at a law firm.
Now, if they were just honest about it and were like, 'Look, this guy's going to die in, like, seven or eight minutes; I'm going to get a bag of cash and a Lexus,' I wouldn't have a problem with it.
I don't care who wins because I go to sporting events to scream. It's the one place on the planet you can shout anything you want. You can bellow at will, and nobody will bother you. I yell things like, 'My life sucks! Dan Quayle is a schmuck! If I don't have sex soon, I'm going to explode!' Parents turn to their kids as I leave the stadium and go, 'Hey, there goes a great fan.'
I would say just in general, in life, I'm more willing to be animated as a person, and so obviously onstage as well.
Fang took the entire family out for coffee and donuts the other night. The kids enjoyed it. It was the first time they’d ever given blood.