Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 632

Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.

Anyone who isn't pro choice never slept with a stripper from Kansas City.

Cougar jokes are now as hackneyed as airplane food.

Sometimes when I’m bored, I like to people watch. And I got to a touristy area and I play this game I just made up. I call it "Lesbian or Midwestern?"

I remember having a grade-school teacher I thought was a hard-ass. When you're that age, you think the guy is Himmler. Then you visit him eight years later and he's wearing polyester pants, he's four foot eight, you think he's gay, and you're like, 'Are you the guy I was afraid of?'

It's ok that I'm swearing. One, because, you know, I'm lucky enough to live in a country where I'm allowed to do that, and two, and much more importantly, I'm British, and it just sounds adorable coming out of my mouth. You know it's true. You just can't be offended in the same way. I'll give you an example: fuck knuckle. That's borderline poetry!

I have always tried to use humour to "help ever" and "hurt never," for I find that to laugh is like swallowing a secret that Santa Claus farted.

Wise men say that time is like a river. I say time is like a river of shit... and as you float down that river in your little canoe, your paddles are getting smaller and smaller.

Nobody wants to read about your life. Who cares?

I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

You might be a redneck if you can't get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it.

If you don't stick to your values when they're being tested, they're not values: they're hobbies.

Milk should be refrigerated even before opening.

I do not enjoy when people don't like me.

You might be a redneck if your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!"