Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 632

It's not really dating. I don't have any money, so we just kind of walk around. She'll always say things like, 'Where are we going?' 'Further.'

Here's a little known fact - Arnold is the first body builder to run for governor since Janet Reno.

But our country's equivalent of gritty reality is more like "Look out Sarge, he's got a shooter!"

I was at the mall the other day, looking for a job, girlfriend, pretzel.

I live about four muggings from Central Park.

There's always that great photo of the actress or model lifting up her shirt just to show you the bone structure and the six-pack of her own. It's almost like when horses are auctioned and they show you their teeth. 'Am I good enough?'

I'd distract myself until finally it was a combination of things. The show was over and I had time on my hands. I had taken time and played and just relaxed.

Hey man! I’m a comedian but I’m not a clown.

I am fucked up. I apologize from the bottom of my cock. I'm sorry for my ass and my sack. It's my fault, my bad. Who's your daddy? Say my name, look me in the eye.

Lydia was the kind of friend whom people referred to as a 'party favor' - always fun to be around but she doesn't have any patience for suffering unless it's her own.

You can't ride two horses with one behind.

I couldn't do sports and so in my head I was like, 'Ladies will see my hand to hand dexterity and they will want these hands inside them.' First of all, flawed, you're juggling balls.

My random acts of violence weren't random. They were premeditated.

I believe in people living their lives and having privacy.

“Is that a gun in your pocket or you just pleased to see me? No its me knob.”