Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 643
You weren't doing a Cher thing. This wasn't your 12th farewell tour.
The beat generation is a coffeehouse full of people expectantly looking at their watches waiting for the beat generation to come on.
The soldiers kill suicide bombers. Think about that. When a guys whole thing in life is to kill himself and you get there first... you are halling ass my friends.
Every time John Travolta assaults a masseur, a scientologist gets their wings.
Sketches have characters, exits, entrances and are vastly different.
I wanted a bumper sticker that wouldn't be controversial. On my bumper sticker it says, “I'd rather be coming”.
In 1999, if you come down with a case of Gonorrhea, be happy. You should be thankful. That is a blessing from God. These days, that don’t mean a damn thing. Cause they got some diseases out there. I’m not talking about HIV, they got some Ebola of Nuts. You might not even make it to your car.
A man turns to the guy next to him who's covered in bandages from head to toe and asks "What happened?". "I fell through a glass window," explains the man. The first man says: "Lucky you were wearing all those bandages."
I noticed when I was driving around that they changed the name of the Interborough Parkway to the Jackie Robinson Parkway. And the Interborough family is very upset about this...
My point is, life is about balance. The good and the bad. The highs and the lows. The pina and the colada.
This stammer got me a home in Beverly Hills, and I'm not about to screw with it now.
I know this sounds strange, but as a kid, I was really shy. Painfully shy. The turning point was freshman year, when I was the biggest geek alive. No one, I mean no one, even talked to me.