Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 643
An actor's popularity is fleeting. His success has the life expectancy of a small boy who is about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match.
That's one thing about my shows. I tell people, I'm not a comedian, I'm just a really funny reporter. I put my life out there and make it entertaining. By putting it out there, it helps me to deal with it, you know, so I don't snap and so I don't go off the handle when I get home.
I'd announce that I was going to sing, and all our guests would make a ring around the piano. But somehow I managed to fight my way through the ring and sing anyway.
I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them.
I most resemble Benjamin Button. I evolve. I attach myself to the heartbeat of whatever is going on at that particular time, or I just chart a new path.
No one calls 911 cool and relaxed. Now that shit would sound ridiculous.
I am the biggest fag hag. I love my gay male friends so much. But when I was a little girl I always wished I would be constantly surrounded by gorgeous guys. And I am. And I should have been more specific.
When I was born my mother was terribly disappointed. Not that she wanted a girl - she wanted a divorce.
People wonder why our kids are getting fat? Maybe it's 'cause we're sitting on our asses on the couch at home watching other people play cards on television? We can't even play cards ourselves. 'Yeah, I'd cut the deck, but I don't want to reach my target heart rate.'
You might be a redneck if your Christmas cards have a copy of your butt included.
The press can hold its magnifying glass up to our problems and illuminate problems heretofore unseen, or it can use its magnifying glass to light ants on fire, and then perhaps host a week of shows on the sudden, unexpected dangerous-flaming-ant epidemic. If we amplify everything, we hear nothing.
[As George Bush] “Weapons of Mass Destruction. I’m so sure they have them.” Yeah, you and your daddy because you got the receipt.