Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 644

The best place in America to get directions, right here in New York City. No matter who you ask, you always get the same directions and you can always understand ‘em.<br /> “Excuse me, could you tell me how to get to 58th & Lexington?”<br /> “What do I look like? An information booth?”

I don't know how to ground myself without the other actor present.

This stammer got me a home in Beverly Hills, and I'm not about to screw with it now.

My wife... its difficult to say what she does... she sells seashells on the seashore.

For the first two seasons, Dr. Phil had everyone believing he wasn't an egotistical jackass.

Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again. God - I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.

Women should put a picture of their missing husbands on beer cans.

There's no one I admire more than Lee. To be Mexican-American at a time when our culture was really invisible, and to slay the best golfers in the world with a homemade, 'freehand' swing, which is such a Mexican thing, and for me to see that with the big eyes of a kid, as a lot of young kids connect success to Tiger, I connect my success to Lee. It turned out we both grew up knowing what it's like to be alone, we both learned how to mask some of that by being funny, and now to know him and love him, and have him love me more than anyone from my own upbringing, to have him call me 'My boy,' man, that's it.

Bullfights are hugely popular because you can sit comfortably with a hot dog and possibly watch a man die. It won't be me, but I can sit comfortably and watch it.

I think every group of black guys should have at least one white guy in it.

Don't work out, work in.

Are your feet tired?.. Because you’ve been stomping on my dreams for a few years now.

This whole urban rap thing needs to be pulled back some. The ghetto is being glorified, and there's nothing good about the ghetto except getting out of one.

I told jokes badly.

My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.'