Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 642

No, I'm not dying, and I sure... ain't dead.

Raccoons don't need to do poppers in order to come while they're having anonymous same-sex interludes in a highway rest area.

Every weekend, I would get the drunk driving lecture. Of course, Dad drank and drove all the time. I guess it wasn't a lecture; it was helpful tips from the master.

To be famous and broke is hard.

I was a somewhat bright child, which led to different sorts of problems. In second grade, I moved up to fourth grade math and reading. There was an option to skip a grade but I was so tiny and microscopic that my mom was, like, 'He has enough now, let's not make his life totally terrible.' I stayed in my grade but alienated everyone by being, like, 'brainiac.'

I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.

Back in '93 I saw my first UFC fight and just became enamored by it then.

I don't care who wins because I go to sporting events to scream. It's the one place on the planet you can shout anything you want. You can bellow at will, and nobody will bother you. I yell things like, 'My life sucks! Dan Quayle is a schmuck! If I don't have sex soon, I'm going to explode!' Parents turn to their kids as I leave the stadium and go, 'Hey, there goes a great fan.'

There are really funny alternative comics and really funny straight comics who write and perform traditionally.

You might be a redneck if you have every episode of "Hee Haw" on tape.

You just have to keep driving down the road. It's going to bend and curve and you'll speed up and slow down, but the road keeps going.

I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.

It's not really dating. I don't have any money, so we just kind of walk around. She'll always say things like, 'Where are we going?' 'Further.'