Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 642
I think every group of black guys should have at least one white guy in it.
No, I guess this is a pretty funny story. One that I’ll never ever tell anyone because of my deep and burning shame.
There’s only two types of men left in this world. Lumberjacks and Liam Nesson.
I was at the mall the other day, looking for a job, girlfriend, pretzel.
Apparently every man was told to bring three women with them. Sounds like a ho-down.
I would write 100 jokes a day. Most of them were terrible. But I just said, 'I'll write more than everybody else, and that's how I'll get better.'
I just know you can not be on top forever. There's always going to be the next guy, and if I'm going to go down, I'd like to know I helped the next guy take my spot. You can't prevent the inevitable, but you can join the ship.
I'd like to start the show by showing you something I'm very proud of. You'll have to step back, though.
I never viewed money as being 'my money' I always saw it as 'the money.' It's a resource. If it pools up around me then it needs to be flushed back out into the system.
My father and I had dinner tonight and I made a classic Freudian slip. I meant to say, “Could you pass me the salt please?” But it comes out, “You putz, you ruined my childhood.”
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
I always rib people, but nobody ever gives me a hard time. I don't know why. Maybe they're afraid of what I might say. There's probably a lesson in that somewhere, but I don't know what it is.
A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary.