Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 655

When I heard Cristiano Ronaldo was pictured holding a manbag, I was surprised it was a gucci bag and not another guy’s sack.

I go "it wasn't my fault, it was Captain Morgan!" And my wife goes "Oh, like when Jose Cuervo made you ride the floor buffer?", and I said "Exactly!"

I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like, 'huh? What the hell is this?' But if it's in a fruit basket you're like, 'this is nice!'

Why women don't blink during foreplay... not enough time.

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

For the level of entertainment you get for the ticket, it's a solid show.

NYU's like a Jurassic 5 concert: it's like there's supposed to be black people there, but they're not.

I play a musical instrument a little, but only for my own amazement.

For the record, I hate skiing...and if you get killed doing it, GOOD.

It's easy to smile when you have a squirrel's intellect.

I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

We are simultaneously the most hated, loved, feared and admired nation on this planet. In short, we are Frank Sinatra. And the Chairman didn't make his bones laying down for punks...

I want to see riots! I want to see the kind of riots where cab drivers are afraid to pick up white people! I want to see this guy!

D'you remember that famous fight, George Formby against Muhammad Ali? Ah, it was brilliant. Dyslexic promoter put it on.

Instead of dumping all my money on an independent film that nobody would watch and most people would make fun of behind my back, I decided, 'I'm just going to buy a house.'