Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 655
I wanted to be a physicist when I was younger, and I also wanted to be a comedian, but only one of those worked out, so I'd like to try to do both now in a bit that I call theoretical dick jokes.
Taking into account the public's regrettable lack of taste, it is incumbent upon you not to fit in.
How did Dr. Drew become the only psychologist who appears on tv. Did he sign an exclusive with CNN?
It sounds like I'm always being facetious. That's why I never get voice over work. 'You sound like you hate the product.'
Do you know how short you have to be to have a Napoleon complex in North Korea?
I could have been in a sorority. Yes, I could. I could so. But they would not let me in because I already had a personality of my own.
The most challenging part of being a dad is trying to postpone the moment when they realize you don't know anything. I love any sentence that begins with "Daddy...?" because it's implied they're looking up to you - that you'll have the answer. The truth is, I don't have any answers.
My wife and I never agree on the dishtowels. It's a matter of terms. She asks me not to put the dishtowel in the sink. So I drape it over the sink, but not in the sink. If that's our biggest problem, I think we're in good shape.
Hazel, if I hit you in the mouth, I bet your lips get to the hospital before the amulance.
Paula Abdul’s really impatient to start a family. She says if she has to wait much longer she’s going to go crazy-er.
When you're coming out, you have to deal with the whole world saying 'Oh! You're an abominable snowman'.
No film critic's going to say it, but 'Madagascar 3' is better than 'The Artist.'
My therapist says I'm afraid of success. I guess I could understand that, because after all, fulfilling my potential would REALLY cut into my sitting-around time...