Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 655

If you can't remember the last time you had sex with a woman, you're either gay, or married.

The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible.

With my complexion I don't tan, I stroke.

Everyone tries to get you to dance at clubs. They come up to you and say "You gotta dance! you gotta dance!" And then I dance, and they're like, "Not like that!"

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?

I knew comedy was the thing for me when I was the only Asian kid in high school... who failed math.

For my stand-up, I always have my notebook with me and if something strikes me, I'll write it down.

We are just pleased to help out, ... We want to help people that may be evacuating the Gulf Coast area to have some normalcy and take their minds off Hurricane Katrina for a couple of hours.

Being homeless is awful, but if you've ever tried to wrestle a duvet cover back onto a comforter you realise it's not without it's benefits.

I do not enjoy when people don't like me.

And then Jesus answered him, Jesus said, 'Well, my son...that is when I was helping one of the other five billion people on the planet, you selfish fuck. C'mon! You were walking back to your Malibu beach colony home and stubbed your toe on some driftwood, it's not a fuckin' emergency, alright? There's other people with real problems.'

You might be a redneck if on your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.

I tour the South, though, I do. I love touring the South. Some people up North are afraid of the South, it's weird. I'll do a show in, like, Alabama. I'll tell someone I did a show in Alabama and they'll be like, "Oh my God! What was that like?" Oh, you know, chairs, a microphone. Oh, I'm sorry, I know what you're looking for. I'll tell you what it was like. Well, I flew into Birmingham. The Imperial Wizard from the Klan picked me up at the airport. Rode to the club on the back of an old mule. Tried to get a joke out over the shouts of "jewboy go home." At the end of the night I go "Where's my check?" They go, "You're not gettin' a check. You're gettin' this bag of porkrinds." Is that the answer you were looking for, you narrow-minded fake-liberal fuck?

I went out with a guy the other night. He ordered a salad. I’m sorry, if you ordered a salad as an appetizer, your main course is a cock.

Jimmy Buffet was entertaining people at the last shuttle launch... talk about outdated technology.