Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 654
Life is hard enough as it is without choosing someone difficult to share it with.
I don't need politicians doing a 24-hour prayer with Oral Roberts to get our country back on track.
School shootings were invented by blacks... and stolen by the white man.
Look, we're both snake oil salesman to a certain extent, but we do label the show as snake oil here. Isn't there a problem selling snake oil as vitamin tonic?
Hopefully the process is to spot things that would be grist for the funny mill. In some respects, the heavier subjects are the ones that are most loaded with opportunity because they have the most - you know, the difference between potential and kinetic energy? - they have the most potential energy, so to delve into that gives you the largest combustion, the most interest. I don't mean for the audience. I mean for us. Everyone here is working too hard to do stuff we don't care about.
The Post Office is very careful nowadays. When they get a package marked “Fragile,” they throw it underhand.
My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?
Yeah I'm thirty-six, but on the show I'm thirty-two. Nobody wants to watch a thirty-six year old woman, so they decided to make me thirty-two. Much more appealing somehow.
My secret now is to try and make sure that my girlfriend, Tracey, is out of the house when I bring my dates home. That can be awkward.
There's a late-night scene in every town, and everyone has something going on. I've heard good stories about Syracuse; this is a very good party town, a good drinking place. I definitely would like to come back and check it out further. Do some more research, as I call it.
It's not till you get out on tour that you realize the impact.
If you can't remember the last time you had sex with a woman, you're either gay, or married.