Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 654

You watch the news these days? It's unbelievable. You think you just walk out your door, you're immediately gonna be raped by some crack-addicted, AIDS-infected pitbull.

Isn't this posh? I'll bet you need credit references just to get in the pool.

I went into Gus's artificial organ and taco stand. I said "Give me a bladder por favor." The guy said "Is that to go?" I said, "Well what else would I want it for?"

I think you should, yeah. You should wash your beard, then shave it off, nail it to a Frisbee and fling it over a rainbow.

God writes a lot of comedy ... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.

Well, we're just gonna have to use our brains.

There are too many fawning entertainment shows out there and not one of them is making fun of it all.

Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.

Oh, am I wearing an ascot? I didn’t notice.

I'm not afraid of putting myself out there to someone and then them passing on it. At least you could have gotten a 'yes.' So it's worthwhile to have the cojones to do it.

Bush is the face on the can. But who canned that soup?

I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.

You might be a redneck if your grandfather completely executes the "pull my finger" trick at the family reunion.

My father's cock went into my mother's cunt in the backroom of a Cinnabon. That's how I was born.

Then you women created a word: "Manscape." And we shaved ourselves bald like nine year-old boys. 'Cause we wanted to sleep with you.