Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 684
Ever argue with a female and, in the middle of the argument, you no longer feel safe because of her actions? She may start pacing back and forth real fast, breathing out her nose. You know what my girl do? When she get mad, she start talking in the third person. That's scary as hell because that's her way of telling me that from this point on, she is not responsible for none of her actions.
(On actress Emma Watson.) She didn’t want to be my friend at school. She’ll probably be in a queue of people who are after me. We found some socks with her name tag in so we whacked them on eBay. We thought, ‘She’s doing well for herself, let’s make some money.’ I can’t recall what we got for the socks but it wasn’t over a fiver.
I would have been a lot better off if I’d studied more when I was growing up, y’know. But you know where it all went wrong was the day they started the spelling bee. Because up until that day I was an idiot, but nobody else knew.
I think that should be the anti - speeding advert it should be footage of Richard Hammond trying to remember his own wedding day.
In his defense the alternative was a cinder block. Have you ever punched a cinder block!? Those things are made of… Cinder!
You might be a redneck if your underwear doubles as your bathing suit.
I din’t do shit today. Almost till 4 o clock I just watch TV, so i’m a loser.
I think we all remember where we were when Rush Hour hit the water. That was an important day.
I think comedy is a good way to deal with anything. I hear about people in the hospital who are ill, and they use humor to help them through it. I think it's a great remedy for many things.
It’s not the size of the nose that matters, it’s what’s inside that counts.
Gays are now allowed to serve openly in the military. So maybe our next war could be a musical.
Being a big star and being known, making movies and a lot of money - that really doesn't interest me.