Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 684
All that waiting around for a glimmer of stage time, just getting angry every week. It was just an oppressive, horrible, horrible place to be. I went to work feeling nauseous.
George Carlin is kind of my template now because George Carlin before was straight laced regular comic and he had short hair, a tie, suit, nightclub guy. Then he said screw it, let his hair grow, just started telling what he thought was the truth. So that's what I'm trying to do.
I worry about my nan. If she's alone and falls, does she make a noise? I'm joking, she's dead.
Jackie come to me and says, 'We gonna do a fight scene.' I said 'What?' He says 'We got to do a fight scene in the next scene. I have to teach you.' I say 'How you gonna teach me in three seconds?' What we did, we did the fight scene with our arms connected.
When you're born, you have a finger up your nose, the other hand on your dick, and you get taller. And that is really it.
I was on the toilet for so long, I finally said to myself, "I’m getting too old for this shit."
At the opera in Milan with my daughter and me, Needleman leaned out of his box and fell into the orchestra pit. Too proud to admit it was a mistake, he attended the opera every night for a month and repeated it each time.
Would I go to see a pediatrist or a proctologist to remove a foot from my ass?
I thought this election was an adult discussion on how best to protect ourselves in the face of terrorism, but apparently it was a referendum on boys kissing. When homophobia trumps terrorism in America, wow. This country needs to get laid.
My kind of gay, meeting a woman and falling in love, is a different experience because it wasn't anything about 'Oh, I've always been gay and I'm breaking the chains.'