Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 684
Anybody see 'Cop Land'? I went to go see it, but I got stoned in the parking lot. And then on the way in, I read the marquee, and I got paranoid and went home.
Why does every girl in the world wanna date me? Especially right now man, especially when I'm busy!
I don't have kids. That's why I leave it in the dumper or in the mouth, because I hate kids.
You're Hispanic. You speak Spanish. You're doing ethnic jokes. Taco Bell is one of your first targets.
Look, we're both snake oil salesman to a certain extent, but we do label the show as snake oil here. Isn't there a problem selling snake oil as vitamin tonic?
If Iraq's weapons are weapons of mass destruction, surely ours are weapons of growth and nurturing.
If you really think there's a Santa, why don't you sit on the front steps all night in the freezing cold and see if he climbs down any chimneys tonight. Good luck. And since we're a family that isn't lucky enough to have a chimney, how would Santa get into our house? Does he bring a locksmith with him? And it probably would have to be a Jewish locksmith, because a Christian locksmith is going to want to be home with his family. And how many Jewish locksmiths are there? None.
Bush and Cheney have this whole thing where if you talk about America, if you talk about them, then you're anti-American.
I've got to say that I don't see myself as some sort of political type like Alec Baldwin or Barbra Streisand. I don't want to come across like that.
You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named "Bush", "Dick", and "Colin." Need I say more?