Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 684
I heard a quote once in a documentary about a band that said you're better off owning everything 100 percent and selling 20,000 copies of an album than signing with a record company and selling a million copies. There has never been a truer statement about show business than that.
Saw myself naked in front of a mirror a couple days ago - that's not the joke, that's what we called the setup. I saw myself naked, and I said, 'Holy cow, I'm 'The White Man.' I've heard a lot of bad things about you, cracka.'
We had a pregnancy scare… about eight months into the relationship. Well, she had a pregnancy scare. I had a leave-the-state scare. It’s different.
Yeah, I love living in New York, man, and people who live in New York, we wear that fact like a badge right on our sleeve because we know that fact impresses everybody! I was in Vietnam. So what? I live in New York!
I would have been a lot better off if I’d studied more when I was growing up, y’know. But you know where it all went wrong was the day they started the spelling bee. Because up until that day I was an idiot, but nobody else knew.
Dr. Spock, who said, "Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected." Never got a dinner!
I din’t do shit today. Almost till 4 o clock I just watch TV, so i’m a loser.
Everybody says before reviews come out, 'Oh, reviews don't matter,' just in case they're bad; everyone want to brace themselves.
Believe it or not, I've got a really bad metabolism. One burger and I'm done. I'm not a guy that puts away 10 burgers.
I want to get so famous that I don't have to wake up in the morning. It'll probably never happen.
Some guys shave it up. Um, Dave Coulier from Full House shaves his balls. Tell you friends, tell everybody. Tell the world. Tell the world. Joey shaves his balls. I've said it. On television.