Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 683
I have a couple of ‘doing caps’ in my wallet. That’s what I call condoms.
I never thought I was going to have children. I just thought after 45, that was it.
Here's what the kids get. They get free McDonald's and Kentucky Fried Chicken for a year, and 52 six-packs of Pepsi. And I'm thinking, well, actually, it might be healthier if they were taking steroids.
As a parent in the suburbs where I live, you have to chaperone your children everywhere they go because everybody's so afraid their precious little angel is going to get abducted or something. How egotistical can you get? Oh, your kid is sooo special. Everybody wants your kid. Come on.
I met a girl a couple of weeks ago. She gonna tell me, “If you want to get acquainted with me and my son, you’ll have to take him to Disneyland.” Ain’t that a bitch? <br /> I went to pick her up the next day and here she got four more kids. I said, “Who kids are them?”<br /> She said, “Them Bebe’s Kids.”<br /> I said, “And where the fuck is Bebe?”<br /> She said, “Bebe went downtown.”<br /> I said, “Why didn’t she take her kids with her?”
This is one of my favorite pick up strategies: I'm constantly giving women my keys. So far, none of them have shown up. Matter of time. And I've been robbed twice.
If you enjoy shaming people, I suggest dentistry as a profession.
Standard mathematics has recently been rendered obsolete by the discovery that for years we have been writing the numeral five backward. This has led to reevaluation of counting as a method of getting from one to ten. Students are taught advanced concepts of Boolean algebra, and formerly unsolvable equations are dealt with by threats of reprisals.
Ladies, you got to look for a man like you look for a job. Do you research. Run a credit check on ‘em. Meet his baby’s mamas. You don’t just drive him to the methadone clinic. Go inside! Meet the people!
You might be a redneck if you have to check in the bottom of your shoe for change so you can get Grandma a new plug of tobacco.
We are just pleased to help out, ... We want to help people that may be evacuating the Gulf Coast area to have some normalcy and take their minds off Hurricane Katrina for a couple of hours.
A man walked into a shop and asked, "How much are your eggs?" He said "£1.40 a dozen". He then asked: "How much are your cracked ones?" "He said: "35p". He said: "Crack us four dozen."
Skin heads are doing an awful job of promoting racism. You guys need to loosen up, and for god's sake would it kill you to smile.
Yes. Yes, when we live our life like 1950s detective films. I often go to my fridge, "Hullo, we're out of milk. I say mother, where's the milk?"