Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 683

Babies are the only people I actually trust as far as I can throw them.

For the majority of the time, I may as well have been just a really tan white kid. You know, I may as well have just been, like, a fat kid.

I've got to say that I don't see myself as some sort of political type like Alec Baldwin or Barbra Streisand. I don't want to come across like that.

When you're born, you have a finger up your nose, the other hand on your dick, and you get taller. And that is really it.

Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.

I'm not taking the bus today. I thought I'd try something different, I'm going to throw myself in front of it.

Don't hit women. Never, ever, ever.

Children are very overprotected now, in lots of ways. We're very nervous about them. You know, people go, "Don't go outside! Or inside! Get into the cupboard with some spinach!" When I was a child they'd kick you out and you weren't expected to come back until there were bats!

I have a couple of ‘doing caps’ in my wallet. That’s what I call condoms.

Here's what the kids get. They get free McDonald's and Kentucky Fried Chicken for a year, and 52 six-packs of Pepsi. And I'm thinking, well, actually, it might be healthier if they were taking steroids.

There once was a man from Nantucket, whose rod was so long that he could get ball-deep up in that. And then he'd be, like, in it, and she'd be like, 'Oh baby, that's my spot, that's my spot. Keep going, no don't stop, baby, that's my spot -- careful, I'm ovulating,' and he's like 'No, it's OK, I use the rhythm method.' And then he shot his junk.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

I don't see the vagina as a sexual object, but more of a vessel through which I seek emotional companionship at the cost of freedom.

People come and go around you, but you're never the one getting the big stuff. I like that.