Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 685

Honey, there’s a spider in your bathroom the size of a Buick.

I have a couple of ‘doing caps’ in my wallet. That’s what I call condoms.

In all seriousness, do rappers really speak to the women in their life like that?

I'm very tired of staring out into your vacant faces looking back at me. Wanting to fill your empty lives with humor you couldn't possibly think of yourself... Good evening!

Here's how you play: on your drive home tonight... when you get, like, 15, 20 minutes away from your house, take an Ambien -- and then just try to beat it. Really fun, and it makes the last part of the drive go really fast, you guys.

The fact that my grown kids like to hang out with me, I mean, it just - I don't think it really can get any better than that, I don't think.

President Bush played golf yesterday and I understand Vice President Dick Cheney also got in a couple of strokes.

This is one of my favorite pick up strategies: I'm constantly giving women my keys. So far, none of them have shown up. Matter of time. And I've been robbed twice.

If you enjoy shaming people, I suggest dentistry as a profession.

A Jew never laughs without looking at his wife for approval.

I really don't know what makes a comedian. I think it's a family background and environment. Yet if you put the same ingredients in another person, he may never utter a funny line.

When I was a boy, I was taught never to use insulting expressions like, 'I've been gypped,' or, 'He welshed on the deal.'

I try to just talk about human stories and what I think about religion or teapots or whatever.

We are just pleased to help out, ... We want to help people that may be evacuating the Gulf Coast area to have some normalcy and take their minds off Hurricane Katrina for a couple of hours.

When I was 8 years old, I entertained friends with my alligator hand puppet. Where’s my room in Vegas?