Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 685
I'm not going to get to pick the restaurant. Because I'm going to go "where do you want to eat?", and she's going to go "I don't care." So I'll say, "okay, how about Italian?" "Hmmmm..." I'm not going to get to pick the movie, and there's a real good chance I'm not going to get lucky! That's not a date!
I would even walk so it wouldn't look like we're together. Here I can hold his hand.
A telescope will magnify a star a thousand times, but a good press agent can do even better.
I’m nervous about the whole velvet rope scene… I’m a child of the 70s. And I remember those Studio 54 stories where there’s a guy at the velvet rope and he’s saying you’re hot enough to get it and you’re not. And I know I’m in the not list. That’s not fun for me. When I go to Applebees, I get a table whenever I want.
God, do I hate my little fat tits. You ever pinch your little meat tits and wish you were dead? You ever just stand naked in the mirror. “You little fat-titted mediocre failure!” You ever do that for 3 hours on New Year’s Eve.
I did a club one night - the speakers were old as hell. My jokes were coming out in black and white.
He had a defect, which to a comic might be fatal. He wasn't funny.
Life is hard enough as it is without choosing someone difficult to share it with.
I think genitalia is proof that the universe loves women more than men. And I’ll tell you why. Cause if you look at women’s stuff, it’s all kind of gross, but at least it’s all organized. It’s like God made a little package. It’s all tucked in with hospital corners and stuff. And with men it’s like God started to make a bow and the phone rang.
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band.'
You might be a redneck if the flood history of the area can be seen on your living room walls.