Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 686

Think about everything you read and everything you see. The one thing we can learn from all the horrible things that have happened in the last 15-20 years is that hysteria is the last thing we need. Cool thinking, pragmatism, and analytical thought are most important at this point.

Whoever coined the phrase, "killing two birds with one stone," not only hated birds but also thought we needed to conserve stones.

Man, it's hot. I'm sweating like R. Kelly at a Girl Scout meeting.

When I was little, I would burn ants with a magnifying glass. But now that I'm older, I'm more of a cat guy.

Dude on my flight is watching Men in Black 3, watching with no sound & pretending its a Hitch sequel bout Hitch trying hookup an alien.

Sometimes my mind wanders; other times it leaves completely.

My comedy doesn't come from any calculations and studies.

As a parent in the suburbs where I live, you have to chaperone your children everywhere they go because everybody's so afraid their precious little angel is going to get abducted or something. How egotistical can you get? Oh, your kid is sooo special. Everybody wants your kid. Come on.

I don’t want to move to a city where the only cultural advantage is being able to make a right turn on a red light.

You might be a redneck if you think the Mountain Men in Deliverance were just "misunderstood".

If you enjoy shaming people, I suggest dentistry as a profession.

Love is like a roll of tape. It's real good for making two things one, but just like that roll of tape, love sometimes breaks off before you were done. Another way that love is similar to tape, that I've noticed is sometimes it's hard to see the end. You search on the roll with your fingernail.

In New York there isn't that weird palpable competitive thing where it's friendly but everyone isn't trying to top one another with jokes when you're just hanging around.

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

I really don't know what makes a comedian. I think it's a family background and environment. Yet if you put the same ingredients in another person, he may never utter a funny line.