Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 687

One of President Obama's winning points last night was about how sanctions against Iran are crippling their economy... and believe me if anyone knows how to cripple an economy it's President Obama!

At that point, we worked to contain the fire from the outside.

Fuck you, Guardian, for calling me a liberal.

Skin heads are doing an awful job of promoting racism. You guys need to loosen up, and for god's sake would it kill you to smile.

Yeah, I love living in New York, man, and people who live in New York, we wear that fact like a badge right on our sleeve because we know that fact impresses everybody! I was in Vietnam. So what? I live in New York!

I feel like the American people are being lied to and manipulated. President Bush is trying to force 9/11 and Saddam together.

Dr. Spock, who said, "Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected." Never got a dinner!

Believe it or not, I've got a really bad metabolism. One burger and I'm done. I'm not a guy that puts away 10 burgers.

Well, I call myself an actor. I always wanted to be one.

Some guys shave it up. Um, Dave Coulier from Full House shaves his balls. Tell you friends, tell everybody. Tell the world. Tell the world. Joey shaves his balls. I've said it. On television.

Last week North Korea publicly admitted for the first time it has nuclear weapons. The Bush administration has so far shown very little concern, as the North Korean missiles are believed only capable of reaching the Blue States.

When you're famous, you're always famous. It doesn't go away.

All that waiting around for a glimmer of stage time, just getting angry every week. It was just an oppressive, horrible, horrible place to be. I went to work feeling nauseous.

Pussy really is the main motivating factor in all of humankind. It really is. It's what gets shit built. [reacting to applause from the audience]: I'm not 'yeah' for pussy. This is a flaw in the system, don't clap for it! [I'm] saying, they know that is a catalyst, and that's why religion and government have to control supply and demand of pussy. And they do that by heaping shame upon you should you want to give away more than the 'federally allocated recommended daily allowance of pussy'. "Oh, she wants to suck more than one dick?! Whore! Shun your natural instinct, whore, or nothing'll get built." — It comes down to production, it really does. They have to keep that pussy like a dangling carrot, something that's hard to get so he keeps running on the treadmill, building more shit, sending out more boxes to the dollar store, pointless shit that no one needs. — That's why cocaine is illegal: it makes pussy too easy to get.

I can't sleep because I keep dreaming that I'm me...