Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 687
Yes. Yes, when we live our life like 1950s detective films. I often go to my fridge, "Hullo, we're out of milk. I say mother, where's the milk?"
Leaving your ears open to the suggestions of others only closes the mind's eye, thereby creating a type of spiritual glaucoma.
Dr. Spock, who said, "Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected." Never got a dinner!
People who think there's no good way to die have obviously never heard the phrase 'Drug-fuelled-sex-heart-attack'.
I think we all remember where we were when Rush Hour hit the water. That was an important day.
When we were kids movies were scary. They affected your brain for years. I saw "Jaws" I couldn't take a fuckin' bath for like 10 years. I thought that shark was coming out of the drain... I'm lathering one side at a time.
I'd like to get some new clothes, but I can't find a Big and Short store.
Who are them blokes, the jockeys? Who are they, three foot high fucking hobbits in a pimps outift!
They don’t encourage you to be who you wanna be, they encourage you to be what they want you to be, no teacher is gonna tell you you’d be cut out to be a great pornstar or illegal arms merchant.
I think it’s kinda funny that all these rappers that used to be gangsters and thugs are telling us not to download their music from the internet, because that’s stealing. Wow talk about ironic.
Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?
This man’s wife told him, “For Christmas, surprise me.” On Christmas Eve he leaned over where she was sleeping and said, “Boo!”