Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 687

I was on the toilet for so long, I finally said to myself, "I’m getting too old for this shit."

There was this billy goat at a movie studio who found and ate a can of film. When a nanny asked him how he liked it, he said, "It was all right but I liked the book better."

Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, 'Hey, at least I'm not pregnant.'

Private companies have a lot of capital. They can run things efficiently and get projects built.

Honey, there’s a spider in your bathroom the size of a Buick.

In all seriousness, do rappers really speak to the women in their life like that?

In New York there isn't that weird palpable competitive thing where it's friendly but everyone isn't trying to top one another with jokes when you're just hanging around.

A Jew never laughs without looking at his wife for approval.

I really don't know what makes a comedian. I think it's a family background and environment. Yet if you put the same ingredients in another person, he may never utter a funny line.

I haven't been as wild with my money as somebody like me might have been. I've been very safe, very conservative with investments. I don't blow money. I don't have a ton of houses. I know things can go away. I've already had that experience.

I don't write jokes first. I write down topics. I think of what I want to talk about, and then I write the jokes - they don't write me... And even if you don't think it's funny, you won't think it's boring. You might disagree, but you'll listen. And maybe even laugh as you disagree.

When I was 8 years old, I entertained friends with my alligator hand puppet. Where’s my room in Vegas?

I've started looking at my own father a bit funny. He assures me, though, that I really am the son of a Scottish postman.

Fuck you, Guardian, for calling me a liberal.

She was so ugly that I took her to a dog show and she won first prize.