Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 721

Clint Eastwood doesn't moisturize! But Clint Eastwood needs to moisturize!

If you study something and you find all this stuff about it, you just went skin deep, so if you keep going and going, you should be left with a fucking mess of unanswered questions.

President Bush gave a rousing speech to the United Nations General Assembly. Afterward, in a touching show of support, every foreign dignitary shook hands with the president and smiled warmly as he mispronounced their names.

Life is very tough. If you don't laugh, it's tough.

Gentiles are people who eat mayonnaise for no reason.

Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.

You shouldn't be eating anything that takes six minutes to microwave.

This is a man who survived four heart attacks. Yeah, the doctor revoked his organ donor card. Issued him a "Hazardous Waste" decal. Well, he actually had three heart attacks and a heart "episode." Cause his last heart attack, he was with an HMO. Yes. And it seems that if they write down "heart attack," they have to admit you. But if they write down "heart episode," they can give you Robitussin and send your ass home.

Attila the Hun, who said, "Sure, I pillage; it’s a living." Never got a dinner!

Relationships, easy to get into, hard to maintain. Why are they so hard to maintain? Because it’s hard to keep up the lie! ‘Cause you can’t get nobody being you. You got to lie to get somebody.

I've been married four years now and it's getting pretty serious.

Don't talk to strangers. Sure, unless you want to meet anyone ever.

You know the animal that kills the most people in the world? The Hepatitis Bee.

You might be a redneck if your underwear doubles as your bathing suit.

You know how you look up at your dad when you’re a little kid like he’s got some special Dad knowledge. And then you find out all he really knows is how to have sex with your mom.