Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 721

A thing of beauty is a job forever.

I'm rich biotchh!

Where the fuck do I live? That is a pantry.

I'm staying in a strange hotel. I called room service for a sandwich and they sent up two hookers.

I'm not a fighter, I'm a bleeder.

You can do anything you want, as long as it works.

I was told maybe nine years ago by an executive who was working for a major network that the networks from now on are going to be entertaining 13-year-old people, and that's what you see today.

You got to control your own destiny. You got to keep writin different stuff. Keep switchin up and never do the same thin too many times.

I don't understand what goes on some times, right, cuz here we are in this theater, we gettin along just fine. We go outside and the shit change.

For my next trick I will make everyone understand me.

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.

People feel like they're defined by where they live, where they're from. Americans, for example, are very proud of being from America. I used to love the Americans, but I went off them last year, the Americans, because of them all ganging up on the bloke from BP. Do you remember? All the Americans picking on the bloke from BP about that oil slick. It seems unfair, doesn't it, given that America is the largest consumer of oil per head in the world and they seemed annoyed with the bloke from BP for merely trying to provide them with the oil that they craved. Americans, picking on the bloke from BP. It's ridiculous. It's like a furious customer punching a prostitute in the face because he's sickened by his own desire.

Illegal downloading seems pretty big these days. That's gotta stop. It's a problem, 'cause when you download, let's say, a P. Diddy song, you're not only stealing from him, you're also stealing from whoever he stole it from in the first place.

I'm 31 now. I think I'm beginning to understand what life is, what romance is, and what a relationship means.

Where have I been? I've been on my flying saucer tour. Which means like flying saucers I too have been appearing in small southern towns in front of a handful of hillbillies lately... no one doubts my existence.