Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 722
I’m always ready for TV. I don’t have to edit my jokes - when you work clean, you can work anywhere.
I understood that as much as I had resisted the outside, as much as I had constricted my life, as much as I had closed and narrowed the channels into me, there were still many takers for the quiet heart.
When someone does a small task beautifully, their whole environment is affected by it.
Maybe the most uncomfortable moment of my life was when my dad gave me the sex talk. The old man was into some really crazy shit.
“My dad, kind of bloke could read out a telephone directory and It’d be funny…to be fair, he used to do it with his cock out.”
I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.
A young senator came to me one Tuesday afternoon and said, ‘I want to be the next president of the United States.’ I looked at him, made him get into a sensory deprivation tank and answer a few deceptively simple questions, and after about an hour I said, ‘Okay, kid, let’s do this.’ That person, of course, was John F. Kennedy.
A person that is going to go out and get so drunk that you're going to get sick is just an<br /> all-time dumb person.
God has a sense of humor. If you don't believe me, tomorrow go to wal-mart and just look at people.
At Christmas you can get real bargains. I saw one item marked down ten dollars. It was a yacht.
You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
Strange star-like object over Oslo right before Obama arrives. A gift of a golden medal given by a group of wise men... Nah.
I asked him, "Who said you could fool around with my wife?" He said, "Everybody."