Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 722
I’ve never really thought of myself as depressed as much as paralyzed by hope.
If you're black, you got to look at America a little bit different. You got to look at America like the uncle who paid for you to go to college, but who molested you.
I'm not taking the bus today. I thought I'd try something different, I'm going to throw myself in front of it.
Behind the proscenium arch, you can't always hear what people in the audience are saying.
I'm getting drunk, watching Sabrina and wondering if 9:30 is too early to go to bed.
What I have against religion is that they start you when you are so defenseless. I mean, I was three when they started pumping this bullshit into my head. I believed in Santa Claus and the Fairy Godmother, of course I believed in a virgin birth, and a guy lived in a whale, and a woman came from a rib. But then something happened that made me doubt all of it: I graduated sixth grade!
They're not going to teach science at all. What they do is take the science students down to the lake, tie them in burlap sacks, and throw them in. If God thinks they're good science students, they float.
These days, teachers have it rough. Kids can be hyperactive, disobedient, and obnoxious. It must feel like being locked in a room of drunk midgets.
If you sell things over the phone, the dream went awry somewhere, and you're working in a sweat box trying to make quota so you can buy some speed.
[on Valentine's cards] Just last week I wrote "I still love you. See last year's card for full details."
My favorite song right now is impossible to defend. It's impossible. We should all be ashamed of ourselves for liking this fucking song. Lil Jon. You know that shit: "To the window! To the wall! [crowd sings along] 'Till the sweat drip from my balls! Skeet, skeet, skeet, skeet!" You go to clubs, you see girls dance to that shit. "Till the sweat drip from my balls! Till the sweat drip from my balls! From my balls! From my balls! My balls! Skeet, Skeet Skeet!" I feel sorry for the guys that gotta pick a wife out of this bunch. It's like, "Daddy, where'd you meet Mommy?" "Oh, she was singing about balls at a club. Skeet, skeet, skeet!"
I'm funnier now because I'm braver and less full of hate, so everything is even more ridiculous than it was before.
Let me make one thing perfectly clear to you: this is not writing. I have absolutely no idea how this sentence I’m currently saying is going to finish. When and if it does, I can only hope it makes some kind of coherent ceramic pineapple.