Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 720

When you swear to God, its true. Right now God is watching and saying, "this is true."

You don’t know Jay-Z’s schedule. He’s a Renaissance man.

If you take the time to smell the roses, sooner or later, you’ll inhale a bee and die.

It's cool to be healthy.

I met a girl, we ate, we drank, had sex, got married, had affairs, broke up – God, what a night that was!

The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend.

When you're in love it's the most glorious two and a half days of your life.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

I survived my childhood by birthing many separate identities to stand in for one another in times of great stress and fear.

Dogs: the best friend you will ever have that pees on your couch and stays your friend.

I am a professional transvestite, so I can run about in heels and not fall over. Cause if a woman falls over wearing heels, that’s embarrassing. But if a bloke falls over wearing heels, you have to kill yourself. It’s the end of your life.

You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.

I've just finished my book, I wrote it on penguins. Come to think of it, paper would have been better.

A gynecologist is the dentist for the downstairs mouth.

During the war an Italian girl saved my life. She hid me in her basement in Cleveland.