Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 720
I have zero doubt that if Dick Cheney was not in power, people wouldn’t be dying needlessly tomorrow... I’m just saying if he did die, other people, more people would live. That’s a fact.
Life is hard for insects. And don't think mice are having any fun either.
It's tough to stay married. My wife says no because she's tired then stays up and reads her book.
Very few American parents give a crap about how they raise their kids. They put minimal effort into it. Who told you it’s a good idea to buy a developing mind a video game?
I pride myself on being the guy who can do Def Comedy Jam and Charlie Rose. And do well on both.
You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.
The saddest day in Pixar history was when some guy said ‘get Larry the Cable Guy on the phone.
Relationships, easy to get into, hard to maintain. Why are they so hard to maintain? Because it’s hard to keep up the lie! ‘Cause you can’t get nobody being you. You got to lie to get somebody.
Christmas was really where I started coming into my own as a performer because I did all this stuff on my own, all this performing on my own, When other kids were outside playing, I was in my room conjuring characters and impressions and things like that.
Every time I see Peter Falk in the movie I think that would be great. We'd be fun together.