Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 720

Is it a bad sign when someone asks you about the person your dating and a tear falls from your eye as you leap into oncoming traffic?

At Christmas you can get real bargains. I saw one item marked down ten dollars. It was a yacht.

I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.

We need the children of Indonesia and the Philippines to manufacture our freedom of choice.

I believe in destiny. There must be a reason that I am as I am. There must be.

Women will do anything Oprah Winfrey says, and that is why we can't have women voting.

I asked him, "Who said you could fool around with my wife?" He said, "Everybody."

Don't you want the guy who'll forget about all the other things in his life before he forgets about you?

My grandpa didn't believe in hugging and kissing, or saying "I love you." His love had to do with the way he treated you. When he said, "We're going here, we're going there," he was telling me about life. That was his love for me. My love for him was listening to what he said, keeping out of trouble, doing right, being fair.

You might be a redneck if your brother-in-law is your uncle.

Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”

There is almost no marital problem that can't be helped enormously by taking off your clothes.

It's not a stereotype if it's always true.

That's why the have the programmes presented by 45 guys; "Hi I'm Ted, I'm Bob, I'm Ralph, I'm Dick, I'm Dale, I'm Nick, I'm Will", and they keep changing all the angles of the camera. "I'm over here, I'm at this desk, I'm standing here" and Wendy comes up from under the desk with the financial weather.

I took a walk in Central Park and got all excited when I thought I saw a robin redbreast. Turned out to be a pigeon with a knife wound.