Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 748
One minute, he's just a teenage lad in Alaska having joyful unprotected sex, the next minute: 'Get to the Republican Convention!' I think that is the best safe sex message of all time: 'Use a condom, or become Republican!'
You ever wake up with an erection, roll over, and think you broke your dick?
I’m going to take a Viagra and hit you all with a rock hard misdirection.
You might be a redneck if you’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
My eleven year old daughter mopes around the house all day waiting for her breasts to grow.
And after you've done the acting, there's a lot of places you can put your input - in the editing, in the production of it, in the rewriting of it and so on.
When Jack Benny has a party, you not only bring your own scotch, you bring your own rocks.
If you tell a kid not to run to a water slide, he/she will walk for 2 steps, then start running again.
Real loss is only possible when you love something more than you love yourself.
In the original draft I was 27 and Peter was 55 in the script. That's not the same as a guy in his 40s and a dad in the end of his 70s. It's a different point in both our lives.
I was licking jelly off of my boyfriend's penis and all of a sudden I'm thinking, "Oh My God, I'm turning into my mother!"
Don't you see the rest of the country looks upon New York like we're left-wing, communist, Jewish, homosexual pornographers? I think of us that way sometimes and I live here.
I started riding the whole 'fluffy' train, and it's a cute word and socially a lot more acceptable than someone saying is fat or obese. If you call a girl 'fat,' yo, she'll raise hell, but if you say, 'Aw girl, look at you, you're fluffy,' there's almost a sexy appeal to it.