Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 748

I'm very open to the up-and-comers.

I have low self-esteem; when were in bed together, I would fantasize that I was someone else.

I don't like when juice wears tights, its a horrible combination when juice wears tights.

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were invited to a Christmas party. The Englishman brought a bag of tinsel, the Scotsman brought a bag of holly and they asked the Irishman: "What have you brought?" He said: "I brought a pair of knickers." They asked: "What has that got to do with Christmas?" He said "They're Carol's."

Wafah Dufour bin Laden, niece of Osama bin Laden has signed a contract to star in a reality show...called Skating with the Nieces of Terrorists.

People keep telling me about the white race and the black race - and it really doesn't make sense. I played Miami, met a fellow two shades darker than me - and his name was Ginsberg! Took my place in two sit-in demonstrations - nobody knew the difference. The he tried for a third lunch counter and blew the whole bit ... asked for blintzes.

She had just ended an abusive relationship and I had just ended an abusive relationship and now both of us just wanted a relationship where we could make somebody else fucking pay!

I don’t like when people say ‘I’ll pray for you…’. You gon’ pray for me? So basically you’re gonna sit at home and do nothing? That what your prayers are, you doin’ nothing while I struggle with a situation, so don’t pray for me. Make me a sandwich or something. Because I’m very upset right now and I can’t make my own sandwiches, so that’d be cool if you made me a sandwich instead of prayin’

By the way, great way to fight: arms down, face presented.

It turns out your not dyslexic, your just really really stupid.

How do people shit on themselves when they are sleeping? That's some nasty shit....like what kinda sick dream were you having that caused that.

He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms.

People say you learn from your mistakes. That’s bollocks – we stumble through life making the same mistakes. We just get better at dealing with the fallout.

Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.

(On Robert Pattinson.) Our parents know each other a bit and my hair is just as good as his.