Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 749
My mother-in-law buys her coats in a carper shop. She wears a 9x12.
If your name is 'Christina' and you spell it 'Xtina', there’s a 99% chance you've given your stepdad a blowjob.
Ladies and Gentleman let's play America's fastest growing sensation "Will It Float?"
Inside of you, there's a fashion model just waiting to throw up.
You see people waving. You don't see people having problems, with each other at least.
Brought to you by raising your voice. The next best thing to being right.
This summer I just practiced real hard. I was real dedicated. I don't think I missed two or three workouts this whole summer.
Most of the stuff I do on the show comes out of me just trying to make my friends laugh.
I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said, "No one drag is enough."
Jokes are good for your health, they reduce stress, even ancient jokes like "She was only the stablemen's daughter, but all the horsemen knew her," even jokes as old as "Does this bus go to Duluth? No, this bus goes beep beep." Or the blind man who picked up a hammer and saw. They keep on pleasing us, year after year.
A new study published by The British Medical Journal found that inactivity can kill you. I mean, these are the kind of findings that just scare the hell out of Congress.
Remember when movies were just good or bad, before auteurs, film festivals, and guys from USC who were the first to shoot underwater?
You feel kind of weird cheering for chaos. There is that sense that the crazier it gets, the better off we are. Before, when I was part of the American public, I was hoping for a reasonable and quick solution to the impeachment process. Now, I'm hoping for partisan bedlam and chaos. It's really what serves me best.