Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 749

I'd like to say we're glad you're here - I'd like to say it...

Certain things should be yours to have when you work your way to the top.

... people are always asking, Tiger, how do you do it, and my answer is shut up ... I ask the questions around here, I'm Tiger Woods ...

When I black out, it's the happiest time of my life.

Yeah, I love being famous. It's almost like being white, y'know?

Everybody's got cable.

The secret to staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.

You know who would make an interesting murder-suicide? Madeline Albright and Yanni.

I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun.

I have just returned from Boston. It is the only sane thing to do if you find yourself up there.

All politicians promise that which they cannot deliver. I just wish they did so less gleefully.

My first reviews came in. One said, "This so-called "comedian" should be told that jokes are supposed to have punch lines." Another said I represented "the most serious booking error in the history of Los Angeles music."

My wife is a real Puritan. She thinks licking the stamp on the envelope of a Valentine is foreplay.

Do It Under the Influence Yourself! That's what we're shooting for! Get drunk and make your dreams come true.

If you refuse to see Superman Returns this summer, what you're saying about yourself is: I heart Al Qaeda.