Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 747
Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose.
Went to the grocery store, got everything on my list and went up to the checkout. I put a bag of pet food for our rabbit on the conveyor. The girl looked at me and said, "Do you have a rabbit?" I looked at here and said deadpan, "Nope. Just like 'em 'cause they're crunchy. Here's your sign."
Do It Under the Influence Yourself! That's what we're shooting for! Get drunk and make your dreams come true.
I'm excited to be here. I almost didn't do this show, because I have certain requests in order to do a benefit show. And I said, "I'll do the show, but I need giant gay icicles behind me or I can't do it. I work with giant gay icicles or you can forget it." It worked out, it's cool, so they make me look cool and a little less gay than the icicles themselves.
If you refuse to see Superman Returns this summer, what you're saying about yourself is: I heart Al Qaeda.
My mom is very religious, and she said, ‘Whatever you think about all the time, that’s what you worship.’ If that’s the case, I’d like everyone to pop open their Diet Coke cans and turn to page 37 of their People magazines.
I really think I'm at the top of my game right now, and I have the tools that I've learned over the years, so I feel really good about what I'm doing onstage now.
I feel very privileged that I am able to do something. All of us saw the images on TV and we said we can send money but we still wanted to contribute more.
On Courtney Love: I was only in her company two hours, but I can’t blame that Kurt Cobain fella.
P. Diddy's gonna be exhausted, you know, running with the Olympic torch in one hand and the torch he'll always carry for J-Lo in the other.
My greatest hero is Nelson Mandela. What a man, isn’t he? He’s an incredible man. Incarcerated for 25 years. He was released in 1990. He’s been out about 18 years now. And he hasn’t reoffended.
You know you're getting older when your haters now want to kill you.