Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 747
It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights.
My father, never chooses me for anything. Unless he needs a human shield. Thirty years and all I am to him is a hunk of meat to block buck shot. Told you dad needed me. Who's the best man now?
I actually love Catholicism, it's my favourite form of clandestine global evil.
Do whatever you want, whenever you want to do it and, as long as you look confident, no one will give you any shit. Put that on the back of a locket, then swallow it.
The reason it's so painful when someone disappears is you have to face the fact that the person you loved had probably left you a long time before he grabbed his coat and scrammed.
Some people hate Jews. Fine, alright it's been done. I mean, that's part of my problem with it. Could you hate somebody new? I'm not giving you any suggestions but the Belgians have had a good run.
The Post Office is very careful nowadays. When they get a package marked “Fragile,” they throw it underhand.
Lying, cheating, hiding is the exact opposite of the behavior of a man who’s really into you.
Your love is one in a million, You couldn’t buy it at any price. But of the 9.999 hundred thousand other possible loves statistically, some of them would be equally nice.
Cut out those intimate little dinners for two - unless there's someone with you.
Why can't I love him (a 2 yr old nephew) from afar? That’s how I want to love him – through pictures and folklore.
Vote for me. I’m not a liar. I’m not a thief. I’m not a whore. And I’m not a politician. I think that uniquely qualifies me to become president of the U.S.
I just think it's difficult for them to see the forest for the trees right now, which I can't blame them for, given the circumstances they found themselves in.
You'd think, if you was me, you would think this and I am me, so I'm in a perfect position to offer conclusive evidence on that... innit like when you go away on holiday, you think 'oh yeah, I'd better go away on holiday, cheer myself up, get away from it all" but when you go on holiday, you're there, so it's shit!