Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 812

I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.

Why should you feel honored for getting scraps of his time?

My child-rearing was blocked out by an eclipse.

I got really lost last year. But I can’t be lonely though. Cause we’re all stuck here. I wanted to make something that says no matter how bad you fuck up, or mistakes you’ve made during the year, your life, your eternity. You’re always allowed to be better. You’re always allowed to grow up. If you want.

New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most unsolved.

I don't want to say work is who I am, but some people feel more centered and more whole when they're producing and creating.

A problem of type 2094 has occurred... what the fuck is that... what does that mean... what are the 2093 problems I skipped to get to this one?

Karaoke isn't fair when you're a comedian. The whole idea is to get people laughing and enjoying themselves, and I'm a professional funny guy.

I have jokes I've told before and will tell again, but my favorite part of the night is talking to the crowd.

Bush, Kerry and Nader -- those were the the choices. Although Nader -- you know when you take a multiple choice exam, and they tell you to immediately rule out one choice 'cause it's crazy? -- that's Nader. It's like, 'The square root of 342 is a) 32, b) 18, c) chocolate.' Well, I know it's not chocolate -- that's Nader.

It was early on when I was really focused and obsessed with doing The Tonight Show and Letterman and stuff like that. Then, I quickly realized that those things don’t make or break a career.

I never thought that Bill Clinton should be the president. When he was running to be the president of the United States, he said on over a hundred occasions, he said the following: He said, 'One of the great accomplishments while I was the governor of Arkansas, was to take my state in education from 50th to 49th.' And I thought, ' you know, Bill, you should keep that a secret.'

I mean, I feel like you can kill the same bird with both stones.

My act is sort of improvisational. I have a skeleton in my head, but no fat or skin on it.

You may be a redneck if... you think you are an entrepreneur because of the "Dirt for Sale" sign in the front yard.