Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 812

Can't you at least die with a little dignity?

Being in a relationship is like being in A.A…. “Hi, my name is Adam and I’m a boyfriend. It’s been six months since my last decision. I felt the urge to have an opinion the other day, but thank God my sponsor came over and we sat down ‘til that feeling went away.”

Ed and I were out last night and I asked him why he drank so much. He said he drank to forget. I asked him, "To forget what?" And he said he couldn't remember.

The nicest present I ever got was an exploding suppository.

"Every 17 seconds a child dies on this planet from no clean drinking water." Good. Let's try to speed it up... there are too many people.

It has been way too cold this winter, I mean th-th-th-the temperatures have been ungodly, where the fuck is global warming when you need it!

I'm always amazed when I hear people saying; "That George Bush, he's a great leader". And I wonder, where can one find a drug that would make one so delusional?

George Hamilton, you’re like Tang. You’re dry and orange and nobody has given a fuck about you since 1968.

I saw this train driver and said, 'I wanna go to Paris.' He said, 'Eurostar?' I said, 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.' Mind you, at least the Eurostar's comfy. It's murder on the Orient Express isn't it?

I’ve lived in Manchester since my 20s and I’ve only been in three fights –not a bad average.

Those who the gods would make rich and famous on TV, they first drive mad.

Holy shit, Gilbert! You look like you smell like pee.

She'll take 3-5 steps, always 3-5 then she'll turn and just over her shoulder say, "well your dumb like your father."

You take a normal guy, give him a wife, give them time, and you've got an idiot.

I think it would be worse to get mauled by a dancing bear than just a regular bear because you can't totally blame the dancing bear.