Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 812
You might be a redneck if your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
If I were to say that I grew up in East Los Angeles in the projects poor, I assumed that everybody understood that it came with its own reasons for being the way I am. I didn’t get that people needed to understand where my comedy came from; I thought that they knew that. Now I tell people.
I never thought that Bill Clinton should be the president. When he was running to be the president of the United States, he said on over a hundred occasions, he said the following: He said, 'One of the great accomplishments while I was the governor of Arkansas, was to take my state in education from 50th to 49th.' And I thought, ' you know, Bill, you should keep that a secret.'
It's not the child's responsibility to teach the parent who they are. It's the parent's responsibility to learn who the child is.
I got you the big screen TV, deluxe karaoke machine, and THX quality sound that would make George Lucas cream in his pants!
It has been way too cold this winter, I mean th-th-th-the temperatures have been ungodly, where the fuck is global warming when you need it!
One of these days I'm going to bite you and I'm gonna get very, very sick.
In honor of Veteran's Day, make sure to pinch anybody not wearing green.
I think it’s a tad bit hypocritical of black people to have names that you can’t call us anymore but we still have in the organizations that represent us. The United Negro College Fund. Oh, you can’t call us a negro, but we will accept your donation.
When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that's a few steps ahead is the one that's mad.
My wife went to a beauty parlor and got a mudpack; for two days she looked nice, then the mud fell off.
On his teenage son: To be honest, I’m not sure the same kid comes home each night.