Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 811
I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, 'Marry him, you'll double your wardrobe.'
My brother Darryl, he's the manager and I'm like this is going to be awesome because my bro, manager, is going to hook me up, he was a dick! He thought he was the Burger King, you know what I'm saying? He would put me on drive through every single night. Why do people insist on yelling at the drive through?
First I get my name in the phone book and now I’m on your ass. You know, I'll bet more people see that than the phone book.
If you close your eyes, you could just as well imagine me to be vintage Ali MacGraw, circa 1968.
I'm in a new club, by the way. And I don't know if you're first timers like I am, but I'm in the 'I Just Dropped My Cell Phone In My Own Piss' Club. Have you done that? Yeah, good times. I'm on the phone and I forget that I'm using shoulder technique. Urinals were taken so I went in to use the regular john. And as I'm standing there, mid-conversation, I'm like 'Are you serious?' and it just started to toboggan right down my powerful chest.
Got an offer to do my next special in 3D. Sounds cool but do you really want me coming into your house?
My favorite thing to steal is a kiss. You can get arrested for it but they can’t force you to give it back.
At CBS, I’m in your house. I’m mindful of that. When I do standup, you’re in my home and I can say what I want to.
I'm paid to make an idiot out of myself. Why do you do it for free?
I don't blame my parents for my dysfunctions... I blame their parents.
After I left high school and got my GED, I studied broadcast journalism for a year at a community college.
The only thing wrong with me was that I was a weirdo that hated school. I’m sure now there’d be a disorder for it, but I was just an oddball.