Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 811
Whenever I watch the beginning of Jimmy Fallon, I feel like I should sue the Roots for bait and switch.
I don't know if I have sexual magnetism or animal magnetism, though sometimes I'll find a squirrel stuck to my forehead.
If you were to send a werewolf to the moon, would he be a werewolf permanently?
But at the same time that the experience is pulling you apart, it's also bonding you. You have this joint venture! You both made this baby. And that's the thing I still can't get over.
Bridge is a game that separates the men from the boys. It also separates husbands and wives.
I'm not so much a dragon slayer, more a dragon annoyer - I'm a dragon irritater.
You get somebody to explain the Trinity to you, they'll say "Well God, he's God, and Jesus is God as well, and the Holy Spirit is...[mumbles indistinctly]". "What?" "He's the fecund spirit of the Lord who impregnates Mary, then gets a bit up himself and is reduced to light clerical duties?" Let's examine that in joke form: three male divine natures go into a cosmic essence, giving and receiving love, but not in a gay bishop way, to which the whole of Islam goes "Wha?"; Hinduism: "Nah!"; or Buddhism: "Ssh!".
Do people who believe in reincarnation ever say, "Darn, I'm still writing the year 1612 on my checks!"
I don't think people shouldn't try to be edgy, but you have to take what the audience says to you in consideration.
A 66-YEAR-OLD woman has become the oldest new mum in Britain after giving birth to a baby boy. I'm amazed she needed to have a caesarean section though, you'd think at 66 she would have needed some masking tape down there just to stop it falling out.
Jim Bakker spells his name with 2 k's because 3 would be too obvious.
Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.
I listened to Jack Benny on the radio last night, he was so funny I dropped my pad and pencil.