Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 813

Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby. "Is this yours?" she asked "probably" said Paddy "she burns everything else"

I'm most proud of the longevity of my marriage, my kids, and my grandchildren. If you don't have that, you really don't have very much.

As an actor, there was that freedom of not having to worry about lights or marks or other people. It was just going out there and having fun with the character.

When in doubt, go for the dick joke.

I tend to stay up late, not because I'm partying but because it's the only time of the day when I'm alone and don't have to be performing.

No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.

So I said, "Where do you want to go for your anniversary?" She said: "I want to go somewhere I've never been before." I said, "Try the kitchen."

Dear girl seductively sucking a lollipop in her pics. We get it. It's a cock. A yummy peen. Too nail on the head.

No one entertains the thought that maybe god does not believe in you.

I’ll never forget my first fur. It was a modest little stole. Modest? People thought I was wearing anchovies.

I once dated a guy who was so dumb he couldn't count to twenty-one unless he was naked.

There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.

I've had a pilot every single year that didn't sell for the past four years, that'll smack you in the back of the head. I had a really good one last year; I wouldn't have done the play in New York if I had gotten that one.

What I have now are good problems of trying to decide and what I really want to do is good work next. My phone's ringing a lot more and I've got nine lines so when it doesn't ring, it's very frustrating.

I get some acting jobs. I like it other than the constant slipping in and out of character.