Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 813

My act is very educational. I heard a man leaving the other night saying, Well that taught me a lesson.

You might be a redneck if you call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis.

I was in a cab in New York. The cab had a sign, "Please do not smoke, Christ is our unseen guest." This guy was reaching. I figure, if he could overcome being nailed to a cross, I don't think a Marlboro Light's gonna faze him that much.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Whoever is my relative, I will not be nice to them.

I'm really good at laundry, and I have no problem cleaning the kitchen.

If anybody comes up to you and says, "My kid is a conservative - why is that?" you say, "Remember in the 60′s when we told you if you kept using drugs your kids would be mutants?"

Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.

Oh, I can picture myself rattling along Route 66 on that thing, headphones on, singing along to ZZ Top's 'Sharp Dressed Man' or the opening line from 'Born to be Wild' by Steppenwolf - 'Get your motor running...' The trike brings out that in all of us, which is no bad thing. Forget Viagra, get yourself a trike!

I just went home to Illinois, and I asked my family, ‘Are you guys planning on talking in those accents the whole time I’m home?’ And my mother said, ‘You used to talk like that, too, Tasha.’ And I said, ‘Yes, but you see, I’ve reinvented myself. Do you have any idea who I think I am?’

If everything is amplified, we hear nothing.

I once had a problem... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank.

You better believe that they wanna make all their fucking friends jealous, okay? And the greatest thing that could ever happen is if one of their friends is already married and if you go a couple of carats bigger and they can fucking pull that out. That's like their biggest dick competition is whoever has the shiniest fucking rock. You know what I mean? It really is fucking stupid.

If you're a guy, you have absolutely no idea what's going on at any time in the relationship, ever. Here's what you know: you know when you're getting laid, and you know when it's all over. Those are the only two things you're aware of.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the dog's owner - and the distance you are from your car.