Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 813

New book on Malcolm X says we don’t know how he was killed. Want to bring in the FBI. Maybe they were in already.

To give you an idea how well I was doing at the time I quit, I was the only one who knew I quit.

I dont know how to add things to my own wikipedia page.

I think you should be a child for as long as you can. I have been successful for 74 years being able to do that. Don't rush into adulthood, it isn't all that much fun.

We had problems like all families but we had a lot of love. I was extremely loved. We always felt we had each other.

We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem - it's in North Korea.

I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from.

Men only go for skinny women because they're too weak to argue - and salads are cheap.

Dear Momma - Wherever you are, if ever you hear the word 'nigger' again, remember they are advertising my book.

There is only one goal. That's to keep working and keep flossing.

I knew I was in love. First of all, I was very nauseous.

My wife is a light eater - as soon as it's light, she starts to eat.

I just went home to Illinois, and I asked my family, ‘Are you guys planning on talking in those accents the whole time I’m home?’ And my mother said, ‘You used to talk like that, too, Tasha.’ And I said, ‘Yes, but you see, I’ve reinvented myself. Do you have any idea who I think I am?’

Old McDonald, who said on his honeymoon, "Ee-eye-ee-eye-oooohhh!!!" Never got a dinner!

Have you heard his [Justin Bieber] new song? ‘Cause he thinks he’s a black man now.