Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 813

So my mum bought a jacuzzi, and I was in there along with my father and my sister, when my mother decided it would be the ideal moment to say – ‘Guess what everyone in this jacuzzi has in common? You’ve all sucked on my tits.’

It's stressful being a hypochondriach. In my home I have a walk-in medicine chest.

She said that after we had intercourse, I gave her an anti-climax.

People die all the time. It's just that you're not around.

The royal baby has a name now: George Alexander Louis. George is not the king yet. So for now, we just address him as "Boy George."

You better believe that they wanna make all their fucking friends jealous, okay? And the greatest thing that could ever happen is if one of their friends is already married and if you go a couple of carats bigger and they can fucking pull that out. That's like their biggest dick competition is whoever has the shiniest fucking rock. You know what I mean? It really is fucking stupid.

If you're a guy, you have absolutely no idea what's going on at any time in the relationship, ever. Here's what you know: you know when you're getting laid, and you know when it's all over. Those are the only two things you're aware of.

And I think that if God did exist, he had many children. I think Jesus proves this. Jesus must be the seventh son of God. A-sus, B-sus, C-sus, D-sus, E-sus, F-sus, G-sus. That's just logic. That's just mathematical. And T-sus would always be fucking about. And P-sus does deliveries. C-sus started the Roman Empire. Cae-sus. F-sus, City in Turkey. B-sus was covered in something. Some people applauding there; other people going, "What?" ... B-sus was covered in bees.

There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.

I have no sympathy for the people who went to Charlie Sheen’s show and were disappointed. "That didn’t seem very organized! That guy’s all over the map!"

I like colonic irrigation because sometimes you find old jewellery.

I get some acting jobs. I like it other than the constant slipping in and out of character.

Every year law schools churn out thousands of lawyers. We don’t need any more lawyers. We need more lawyers like we need more talk-show hosts.

As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.

A lot of the rap shows I saw as a kid were boring, but if you went to a Rage show or a Justice show, the kids were losing their minds.