Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 821

If you're working out in front of a mirror and watching your muscles grow, your ego has reached a point where it is now eating itself. That's why I believe there should be a psychiatrist at every health club, so that when they see you doing this, they will take you away for a little chat.

And by the way, the fact that she's not speaking to anyone in her family is a pretty good indicator that she is the problem.

Men don't hear women.

If you’re dating someone that says they’ve “got their priorities in order” that’s code for, “I’m spiraling out of control.”

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.

I think those neighborhood signs that say 'slow children playing' are mean.

I can remember when safe sex meant a padded headboard.

My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals.

No one is a natural – you have to work at being a natural.

I can make things, but I don't cook them, exactly. Like salmon, I can stick that in a pan. Or the other day I made noodles, but they were hard. It never occurred to me to check them; I just stopped cooking them when I felt they were ready. Really, I'm too absentminded.

A woman would never make a nuclear bomb. They would never make a weapon that kills, no, no. They’d make a weapon that makes you feel bad for a while.

The economy is in trouble, schools are in trouble, and people have been leaving the city in droves for a long, long time.

Sometimes I wish I hadn't said something foolish. It is then that I realize the power of mime.

Father's Day makes me wish I could talk to my Dad just one more time, instead of all the time.

A lot of these kids I think are more content just to be on Facebook and the computer than they are to actually go out. They just really want to get a picture to post to their buddies, and that's about it.