Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 821

I can remember when safe sex meant a padded headboard.

We came, we saw, we sucked.

Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.

The economy is in trouble, schools are in trouble, and people have been leaving the city in droves for a long, long time.

As time goes on, the more I value doctors and plumbers. Doctors a little more. I can fix my own toilet but I still can't operate on myself.

It was early on when I was really focused and obsessed with doing The Tonight Show and Letterman and stuff like that. Then, I quickly realized that those things don’t make or break a career.

I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut.

I was the youngest in my family. When the other kids went to school, my mother would make them breakfast and then she would go back to bed for an hour, so I was sort of babysat by television.

I think everything contributes to your creativity.

You like science? You enjoy science? Always use it for good, never for evil. Can you promise me that?

I got you the big screen TV, deluxe karaoke machine, and THX quality sound that would make George Lucas cream in his pants!

You might be a redneck if you call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis.

Now let's fight for three days because I'm bored!

The Devil: Okay, are there any questions? Yes? No, I'm afraid we don't have any toilets. If had read your bible, you might have seen it was damnation WITHOUT relief.

I do know its important to keep the romantic spark alive in your marriage. But with four kids, sometimes it’s enough just to keep yourself alive.