Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 820

Moses, who said to the children of Israel, "Wear your galoshes; I never did this trick before." Never got a dinner!

After a one night stand, make sure you wait two days before you call and tell her she has AIDS.

The only parts left of my original body are my elbows.

If you haven't heard a good rumour by 11:00am, start one.

You know, be able to do something great in your life, you're gonna have to realize your failures. You're gonna have to embrace them and figure out how to overcome it.

I could take my time, and nobody was pressuring me to be a headliner. I could go up there, find my voice, and figure out what I wanted to do.

At first the kid kicking the back of my airplane seat was enraging. Then I imagined it was a broken massage chair and I kinda liked it.

The child molester skipped breakfast, but said he'd grab a little something on the way to work.

In the land of the blind, the one eyed man tends to get away with date rape more often. Also shoplifting and cheating at monopoly.

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?

Burt Reynolds, great sex symbol of the movies, who said, "I owe it all to one great part." Never got a dinner!

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt.

I’m a high-tech low-life. A cutting edge, state-of-the-art bi-coastal multi-tasker and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond!

There was a lot of stuff where we were doing scenes and we would bust out laughing - more on this movie than ever, where you can't finish scenes. I hope we didn't mess up the movie.