Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 822
If I try to cover too much ground, you start to get watered down and less interesting.
Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they've got nothing to lose.
As an actor, there was that freedom of not having to worry about lights or marks or other people. It was just going out there and having fun with the character.
I try to keep performing as much as possible - I just like to. I used to take huge gaps off between gigs, now I just like to do stand-up gigs as much as I can.
Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and three dollar pantyhose that won't run.
If I was a freak of nature... Hell yeah I wanna do freak shows! I don't wanna be applying for jobs at the mall.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
We called her Mother Earth. Because she gave birth to us, and then we sucked her dry.
Driving down the street at 150 miles per hour with a friend of mine on cruise control. Both of us in the back seat. The police pulled us over. They don't know who to arrest, nobody's driving. So, they arrested us both. I'm on the witness stand. You know the rest.
So I said, "Where do you want to go for your anniversary?" She said: "I want to go somewhere I've never been before." I said, "Try the kitchen."
If you're a guy, you have absolutely no idea what's going on at any time in the relationship, ever. Here's what you know: you know when you're getting laid, and you know when it's all over. Those are the only two things you're aware of.
I have no sympathy for the people who went to Charlie Sheen’s show and were disappointed. "That didn’t seem very organized! That guy’s all over the map!"