Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 822
Old McDonald, who said on his honeymoon, "Ee-eye-ee-eye-oooohhh!!!" Never got a dinner!
Moses, who said to the children of Israel, "Wear your galoshes; I never did this trick before." Never got a dinner!
Driving down the street at 150 miles per hour with a friend of mine on cruise control. Both of us in the back seat. The police pulled us over. They don't know who to arrest, nobody's driving. So, they arrested us both. I'm on the witness stand. You know the rest.
My first car was a 1977 Oldsmobile Delta 88. Ugly car. More ugly on this car than a Rolling Stones group photo.
The royal baby has a name now: George Alexander Louis. George is not the king yet. So for now, we just address him as "Boy George."
Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Give a man AIDS, and you don't have to give him any fish.
If these walls could talk... you'd hear the sound of fat women saying, "Call me."
I bought a pedigree dog for 300$. My friend said, "Give me 300$ and I'll shit on your carpet."
If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?
Every year law schools churn out thousands of lawyers. We don’t need any more lawyers. We need more lawyers like we need more talk-show hosts.
Also, I realized a lot of kids are listening to me. Whether I want to be or not, they're looking up to me.
At first the kid kicking the back of my airplane seat was enraging. Then I imagined it was a broken massage chair and I kinda liked it.