Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 822
Struggling is hard because you never know what's at the end of the tunnel.
You notice how they always put the fruit and veg at the entrance to the supermarket? You go in thinking 'this is a fresh shop, everything in here is fresh! I will do well to shop here'. You never go straight to the bit with the toilet paper, loo brushes and such do you? You'd think 'this is a poo shop! Everything in here is themed on poo!
I have no sympathy for the people who went to Charlie Sheen’s show and were disappointed. "That didn’t seem very organized! That guy’s all over the map!"
Anyone you give a ton of money to is going to go slightly crazy. I don't think comedians are particularly special in that regard; they just are better or more vocal in their expressions of their craziness.
In India, grown ass men, GROWN ASS MEN, hold hands with other men and walk down the street as if everythings ok. And they dont just hold hands, they are holding fucking pinkies and SWINGING that shit.
Because I was surrounded by so much negativity at some point that it took me going back and doing stand-up to realize, you know, people really like me.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Inauguration Security was tighter than Kirstie Alley in a pair of spandex pants.
I felt in a lot of instances I was deliberately being put through stress because when you're a guy who generates money, people have a vested interested in controlling you.
I think if you try to tailor your act to anybody, you end up with an act that doesn't work anyway.
I like groaning. That means that you're not pandering to their already settled prejudices.
Smut, if it's really smut, there's nothing backing it up. It's the easy way out.
If you don't have the right people around you and you're moving at a million miles an hour you can lose yourself.