Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 822

Every human being has an impact on another.

The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time.

Nobody ever says, "Can I have your beets?"

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

You go and you buy a lottery ticket. You've got just as much chance of getting struck by lightning as you do of winning the lottery.

George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.

It was early on when I was really focused and obsessed with doing The Tonight Show and Letterman and stuff like that. Then, I quickly realized that those things don’t make or break a career.

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, "All right, but we won't get much done."

Man can not live by bread alone... he must have peanut butter.

I don't know what people have against Jimmy Carter. He's done nothing.

If my girlfriend ever turned into a zombie, I would not hesitate to wear a condom.

You might be a redneck if people are scared to touch your wife's bathrobe.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

"No comment" is a comment.

I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials.