Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 86
One brother, five sisters… dude I’d have to wear a tampon just to fit in.
Men learn to love the woman they are attracted to. Women learn to become attracted to the man they fall in love with.
I feel like Adam when he said to Eve, "Back up, I don't know how big this gets."
That’s all they can say about me, is “fat motherfucker”, that’s it! People kill me. “Fat motherfucker.” And people that don’t like fat people, quit calling us “fat motherfucker”, ‘cause that don’t bother us, you understand what I’m sayin’? Lady called me that the other day, “ya fat muthafucka!” I don’t give a damn! You wanna make me mad, tell me Popeye’s Chicken goin’ out of business. Nigga, I set this theater on fire!
Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.
Every time you open the paper now, there seems to be another celebrity getting arrest for masturbation. First, it was Peewee Herman and then George Michael. If masturbation's a crime, I should be on death row.
What a curse it must be being a bisexual. Can you imagine wanting to fuck everybody you meet?!
I was diagnosed a number of years ago with obsessive-compulsive disorder - which everyone has, to some degree - and I have this really annoying trait where in conversation, I always steer it back to something that happened to me.
You gotta fight. You gotta get out the negative energy. Don't let it build up. You end up screaming at each other over something totally stupid, like, "Well, why'd you put this spoon in this drawer then?" Just to piss you off, that's why! I got spoons hidden all over this house! Keep it up, and your napkin rings are gonna start disappearing.
New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.
Rap videos confuse me cause they have to be continued at the end but the never make a sequel. Where’s the second video? There’s so much suspense! I need to know are they goin keep pourin champagne on these bitches? What’s going to happen to that guy’s rims? Are they big enough for him?
When a man has a birthday, he takes a day off. When a woman has a birthday, she takes at least three years off.
They lie about marijuana. Tell you pot-smoking makes you unmotivated. Lie! When you're high, you can do everything you normally do just as well - you just realize that it's not worth the fucking effort. There is a difference.