Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 86
It’s our first date but I don’t want to go on a date. I wanted to do it in the daylight with animals so it couldn’t be misconstrued as anything in case he’s the worst.
Sometimes when I watch porn I get my hoodie on so I feel creepier. Sometimes I get under computer so it feels like I’m spying on her.
Most people past college age are not atheists. It's too hard to be in society, for one thing. Because you don't get any days off. And if you're an agnostic you don't know whether you get them off or not.
I don’t get the point of drug commercials. Like the thing with the frying pan and the egg. “This is your brain. This is your brain on drugs. Any questions?” Yeah, do I get bacon with this?
I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.
I am a player in life, not an observer. I look at herpes the way you look at a scraped knee.
I think about my girlfriend's abortion whenever I pass by a school. Or the playground where she had the abortion.
My mom is one of those really angry moms who gets mad at absolutely everything. Once when I was a little kid, I accidentally knocked a Flintstones glass off the kitchen table. She said, ‘Well, dammit, we can’t have nice things.’
Once I saw a homeless man wearing his underwear on top of his pants. Now we say, why don’t the homeless just go out and get a job? If he’s wearing his underwear on top of his pants, I doubt his resume is in order, and I don’t think he’s going to make it too far in the interview process. In fact, I’m pretty sure that McDonald’s has a no underwear over your pant policy.
The banjo is such a happy instrument - you can't play a sad song on the banjo - it always comes out so cheerful.
My mother ran in the bathroom, see my big brother sitting in the bathroom with a piece of shit in his hand in the tub, I was laying in the bottom of the water with blood gushing out my eye, G.I. Joe up my ass. My mother's like, "What the fuck going on in here?"