Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 85
The bible, that’s god book, as far as I know the devil hasn’t brought out a book yet, haven’t heard his side of the argument. God’s just writing shit about him, and the devil’s being the bigger man and saying I’m not even going to comment, talking shit about me like that.
Life is like sex, baby - the more you put in, the more you get out. End of story.
2 minutes in heaven is better than 1 minute in heaven.
Whoever said "life without love isn't worth living" didn't own an iPhone. These things are great.
Everyone keeps saying, "Oh my God, oh my God, how intimidating." It's like saying, "How could you date Jennifer Aniston after she's been with Brad Pitt?" I don't care.
I want to be a bloated alcoholic. That's my goal - it is, I'm serious, because there is no other disease that is more fun than alcoholism. I know it has its downside, but I'll tell you, there's no other party disease like alcohol.
Never let the brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil’s workshop." And the devil’s name is Alzheimer’s.
A guy say to me "are you gay?" and I say "bend over and let's find out".
Sometimes when I watch porn I get my hoodie on so I feel creepier. Sometimes I get under computer so it feels like I’m spying on her.
I don't really judge. To each his own. You like what you like. If you want someone who's big-boned and you like that, ain't nothing wrong with having a little extra meat on there. If you like them thin-boned, then thats okay too.
My mom is one of those really angry moms who gets mad at absolutely everything. Once when I was a little kid, I accidentally knocked a Flintstones glass off the kitchen table. She said, ‘Well, dammit, we can’t have nice things.’
You feel like such a dirty whore buying plan b. It is so embarrassing because it’s over the counter but you have to ask you pharmacist, and they know what you want but they make you ask. They’re lookin’ at me, I’m like, you see where my eyeliner is just give it to me.
It’s our first date but I don’t want to go on a date. I wanted to do it in the daylight with animals so it couldn’t be misconstrued as anything in case he’s the worst.
I don’t get the point of drug commercials. Like the thing with the frying pan and the egg. “This is your brain. This is your brain on drugs. Any questions?” Yeah, do I get bacon with this?