Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 87
Everyone keeps saying, "Oh my God, oh my God, how intimidating." It's like saying, "How could you date Jennifer Aniston after she's been with Brad Pitt?" I don't care.
The Yugo has come out with a very clever antitheft device. They made their name bigger.
Whatever your woman is into, you better be into. Whatever your man is into, you better be into. Your partner into church, you better be into church. Your man or woman a crackhead, you better be a crackhead. Otherwise it just won't work.
My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese. Most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.
Then a homeless man with a dog approached us and put his hand out. This happens to be something that I have a real problem with: homeless people with pets who approach you for food when they have a perfectly delicious dog standing right there?
The key to a good life: excess in moderation. They’ll tell you moderation is the key to life, but that’s bullshit.
Most people think I'm Danny Glover's son when they meet me. So when they ask, I say 'No, I'm Crispin Glover's son.' Then we stare at each other for a long time.
I don't really like politics that much. And I like the order and simplicity of sports. They have an ending. You can argue with your friends about it, but in the end you still like sports. I almost love the fantasy world of sports more than the real world.
This annoyed me: I was on the phone with somebody today trying to get a phone number from that person and write it down, but they didn't have phone number rhythm and that pissed me off. You know what I'm talking about? Phone number rhythm. Especially if there's like an area code involved, like 'two one two - bum bum buh - bum buh bum buh!' That is the rhythm I think we're all familiar with. This guy had no clue! I was like "Okay, Hank. Gimme the number." He's like "Alright. It's two one two nine - fifteen eight eleven six fou... tw... five... eight... seven... two." "Did you throw in your zip code? Cause I got a lot of extra numbers over here. I have extra. I can almost start a new number! What do ya got?! Start again from the top!" They really screw you up on the last four numbers. That's where they get ya. "Five five five - six... teen forty one" "Dude, I already wrote the six! I made the dash too close, I can't shimmy the one in there now! Forget you!"
Then I get there and I swear - it's San Jose, CA - there's 2,000 Mexicans. And you know you're half-Mexican when you walk in and you're like, 'Damn. This is a lot of Mexicans. Only half of me is the only white guy here.'
I think about my girlfriend's abortion whenever I pass by a school. Or the playground where she had the abortion.
No, I got a better one. If you ever crack open a beer during a eulogy, you might be a redneck.
Then it was snack time, right in the middle of mass. Right out of nowhere, the priest would look down and say, 'Let's have some yum yums!' You would get in line - you would jump in the line - and you would go up and get the crouton O'Christ.
I had this joke: "I played hide and seek; they wouldn't even look for me". To make it work better, you look for something to put in front of it: "I was so poor, I was so dumb", so this, so that. I thought, "Now what fits that joke?" Well, "No one liked me" was all right. But then I thought, "A more profound thing would be, 'I get no respect!' ".