Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 87
My mother ran in the bathroom, see my big brother sitting in the bathroom with a piece of shit in his hand in the tub, I was laying in the bottom of the water with blood gushing out my eye, G.I. Joe up my ass. My mother's like, "What the fuck going on in here?"
Our job is improving the quality of life not just delaying death.
It's interesting, once I have convinced people that, yes, I have a sister with a mental disability, the retard jokes really dry up, so I'm not sure how much retard humor is really going on out there, but I imagine there's a lot because it's a pretty safe group to make fun of. It's not like the Retards of America are gonna rise up and organize a protest. They're not gonna write letters. They only just recently got the Supreme Court to stop executing them.
Whatever your woman is into, you better be into. Whatever your man is into, you better be into. Your partner into church, you better be into church. Your man or woman a crackhead, you better be a crackhead. Otherwise it just won't work.
Most people think I'm Danny Glover's son when they meet me. So when they ask, I say 'No, I'm Crispin Glover's son.' Then we stare at each other for a long time.
The banjo is such a happy instrument - you can't play a sad song on the banjo - it always comes out so cheerful.
Once we used to have to crank up our cars, now you can pop it on from inside your house. Everything has changed except how we get freedom.
My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese. Most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.
Health food would seem healthier if the people that sold it looked less unhealthy.
I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.
I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.
I'm dating a homeless woman. It was easier talking her into staying over.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. In the library the sign says "shut the fuck up"!
Baseball is a nineteenth-century pastoral game. Football is a twentieth-century technological struggle.
God sounds kinda like a shitty father to me. If God was so powerful why’d he have to give his son up? It sounds like God owed someone some money and they couldn’t get to him, so they murked his son. That’s what I really think happened. Jesus got stabbed up in an alley… but it’s easier to sell crucifixes. You can’t sell a pendant of someone getting shanked up In the alley. It’s a marketing scheme.