Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 867

I didn't come from a background where I saw a lot of loving couples. All my aunts and uncles were either split up or fighting all the time. The only healthy relationships I saw were on TV.

Kids: If a bear is wearing a ranger hat, it's because he ate the ranger!

A bum came up to me saying "I haven't eaten in two days!" I said, "You should force yourself!"

Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.

I wanna live 'til I die, no more, no less.

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.

I will tell you that the last five shows are going to really blow people out of the water. There's gonna be a lot of head-spinning going on.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

True beauty is not related to what color your hair is or what color your eyes are. True beauty is about who you are as a human being, your principles, your moral compass.

I love chicken. I would eat chicken fingers on Thanksgiving if it were socially acceptable.

We don't read and write poetry because it's cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is filled with passion. And medicine, law, business, engineering - these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love - these are what we stay alive for.

Dating is great unless you don't like horrible awkwardness, lying, and a deep foreboding sense of disappointment that never goes away.

We will now sing forth, hymn 405, 'Oh God, what on earth is my hairdo all about?'

The only way to tell my Dad something is to write it on a note, and tie it to a brick, and throw it through a window. Of course, now Dad's armed with a brick.