Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 867
Basically, I started on stage yelling and I kept yelling, and then I yelled some more, and then I yelled even louder. I'm modulated now.
After I left high school and got my GED, I studied broadcast journalism for a year at a community college.
Girls who used to tell me I ain't cool enough now text me pics saying you can tear this up!
Mirabelle is attractive; it's just that she is never the first or second girl chosen.
It's so nice to share a day as beautiful as this one with hundreds of thousands of reckless drivers.
Fox hunting, there's big fox hunting thing, there’s arguments in Britain about fox hunting. And they go around. They obviously hunt foxes because the foxes, they attack chickens. And posh people have an alliance with chickens just like in the First World War.
A comedy agent asked, “What did you do before comedy?” I was a drug counselor. He said, “How about before that?” I was a drug addict. He said, “And before that?” I was twelve.
We're told that they were zealots fueled by religious fervour ... religious fervour and if you live to be a thousand years old will that make any sense to you? Will that make any goddamn sense?
It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.
I have a lot of friends who are getting married. I try to avoid talking to them about their sex lives now 'cause it's so depressing. One guy told me it had been six months since he had gotten to second base with his wife. Yeah, I don't know which one was more pathetic: that he used the phrase 'second base' or that he hadn't been there in six months?
Last week I got a flu that I caught, 'cause my daughter coughed … into my mouth.