Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 866

Cowboy boots with a suit? You're a rough, tough businessman. Chaps with a bow tie? You're in the rough, tough man business.

What has Iraq done to us?

I was walking around downtown the other day and I saw Angela Lansbury in an antique store… She was $800.

Try to live in a place you like.

For thirty years my act consisted of one joke... and then she died.

I have a ton of Holocaust stuff, and some of it is really hard core.

Marriage is like a row boat: it fits two, it doesn't work on auto-pilot and it's very difficult to have sex in.

Remember Tupperware? That was the toughest stuff ever. Why can't they make a phone out of Tupperware?

In fact, I had the idea because of Peter Falk. I saw my dad watching a Peter Falk movie and something clicked in my head. I gotta go make a movie for Peter Falk and me.

Denial is a powerful weapon. My dad taught me mind over matter. No matter how hurt I got, he didn't mind.

I've become this sort of icon for the gay community. I don't like the position.

I can apply myself to the format of 'SNL,' I can apply myself to the format of 'Conan,' but at the same time, I'm still being J. B. Smoove. I'm not changing up my style, I'm not changing up how I think, what's funny to me, my delivery, the way I carry myself.

I was 15 years old when I was in this band; we were called Stag. We used to wear spandex pants and no underwear - we looked like marbles smugglers.

A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? "I was ironing, and the phone rang!" "What about the other ear?" "Had to call the doctor!"

It's more important to put pressure in your tires than on yourself.