Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 866

We came here to pick up chicks, not talk about dicks.

A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax.

I think comics in New York are interested in being comics. And there're comics in L.A. who are touring comics, who are certainly more interested in stand-up, but a lot of L.A. stand-ups are really looking to do something else.

You have to take the basics of feminism and the kind of outline of it and do what you do with it. You have to make things work for your own life.

I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.

Wittiest thing I’ve heard? Jim Tavares, when he was doing stand-up at the Comedy Store in 1988, and opened with “I’m a schizophrenic.” Some wag shouted out “why don’t you both fuck off?”

When the show's in production, we work for three weeks at a time and then take a week off.

It's okay to get stoned, as long as its not by other people.

This happened to the people. The Constitution says "of the people, by the people, for the people"... but the people who got the office, got into office and forgot about the people.

The hardest diet I was ever on was the one when I was fat. You can only wear fat clothes, you dont feel good, your sex life gets damaged, you dont have energy for anything. Its horrible.

I have jokes I've told before and will tell again, but my favorite part of the night is talking to the crowd.

I only watch the Oscars to make fun of what they wear in the Memoriam.

When I see a large group of people, I wonder how many of them will eventually require autopsies.

Doing a book signing tomorrow at Barnes and Noble. Bring your own book... I haven't written one yet.

I feel like I've got this anti-marriage thing, but it's less that and more I'm overthinking it to get it right.