Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 868
I guess I don't have to point this out, that it's the second time I've hosted the Emmys after a national tragedy. And I just want to say that I'm honored because it's times like this that we really need laughter.
Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.
I masturbate ‘cause I’m the only one whose standards are low enough to FUCK ME.
President George Bush declared a National Day of Prayer for Peace. This was after he had carefully arranged and started the war.
We're not allowed to do anything to nature anymore, except look at it. It's like porn with leaves.
When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.
I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.
I wanted to be an arch-criminal as a child, before I discovered I was too short.
If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the police sketch artist. This is one of the rare instances where two people can do one self-portrait.
The world is like a ride in an amusement park. And when you choose to go on it you think it's real because that's how powerful our minds are. And the ride goes up and down and round and round. It has thrills and chills and it's very brightly coloured and it's very loud and it's fun, for a while. Some people have been on the ride for a long time and they begin to question: "Is this real, or is this just a ride?" And other people have remembered, and they come back to us, they say, "Hey, don't worry, don't be afraid, ever, because this is just a ride." And we kill those people.