Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 883
Hi, ladies. My name is Charlie Baileygates. Would you like to see my weasel?
In America, with all of its evils and faults, you can still reach through the forest and see the sun. But we don't know yet whether that sun is rising or setting for our country.
I grew up in Scotland in the 1970s. There was not much money. The most popular Christmas toy was probably a potato.
I went to a bunch of marches in New York and Washington, and you know I believe in the cause, but to march with those people takes a lot of compromise on my end.
Don't make your kids look hot and dirty and sexy when they're 5-years old! It's really not the place or the time. You're about 11 years early.
It seems to me that there will be a point in out development or our evolution where you put your guns aside.
The whole idea of re-releasing old movies does bother me a little bit. If they're going to re-release an old movie, I should be able to get in with my old ticket.
Former president Bill Clinton was elected on this very day in 1992. Clinton went on to leave quite a mark in the oval office... You mean the one on the sofa?
It's not about trying to be funny all the time. It's more of a document that hopefully is funny.
I've moved about 10 times over the past 15 years. I don't move for the sole purpose of getting rid of stuff. I'm not crazy. I also move so that I never have to wash any windows.
I don't care about wealth. What seems to be upsetting is institutionalizing the advantages that wealth gives you.
I'm TV's Craig Ferguson, please sit down relax and: "take off your pants"; "dip your hand into a bowl of warm water and fall fast asleep"; etc.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
My shrink gives me 75 per cent off if I make believe I'm someone else.