Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 883
The disasters build a sort of odd Diacid feeling. When my syndicated show got canceled, the next day I still knew how to write jokes. That was a huge revelation. Because at first you think, 'I won't have any shelter! What am I gonna do? The sun is hot. Very thirsty.'
In a study, scientists report that drinking beer can be good for the liver. I'm sorry, did I say "scientists"? I meant "Irish people."
I, myself, have killed six people. All random, all undetected, no way to trace them to me. And, let me tell you, there's nothin' like it. It's a great feeling. Yeah, I know, you're thinking. "Aw, he's a comedian. He's just sayin' that stuff." Good. That's exactly what I want you to think.
You know, I live a monastic lifestyle. No, I do. I do live in extremes, basically. I go back and forth. Once every six months, I'll have a day where I eat more chocolate than has ever been consumed by a human being.
I don’t drink a lot. My family calls me an old soul. And my friends call me a pussy.
Do you reckon the Queen has ever pulled a blanket up so just her head's showing and gone 'Philip, look at me! I'm a stamp!'
The Hunchback of Notre-Dame, who said, "This isn't a hump. I ate a canteloupe and it backed up on me." Never got a dinner!
You can't land on the moon and say, "Ooh, it's all sticky! It's covered in jam!”
Congratulations your 18!...On a list of 20 people i'm going to kill.
I wanted to make sure that my act was family friendly for tonight, but I don't have babies. So I thought that maybe I could pretend that I had babies and that way I could appeal to the people in the audience who have babies and to the people who like to pretend that they have babies.
I don't know why people think that somehow the First Amendment applies to network television. It doesn't. It's like the way free speech doesn't apply at work. You can't just walk into your boss' office and say 'you're a fuckface and I'm gonna go back to work now.' No, you're not.
I’m addicted to the Internet. I check into the hotel. Try to go online on my laptop. Doesn’t work. Call the front desk.