Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 884
I definitely have breast envy. When teenage girls were saying 'I wish I had breasts', I was thinking the same thing.
Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.
I'm actually pretty athletic. I have to work out just to look fat.
If I've learned anything in my 30s, it's about holding back a little bit.
This one commercial said, "Forget everything you know about slipcovers." So I did, and it was a load off of my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell slipcovers, but I didn't know what they were!
Teach your kids to make deplorable choices and hopefully they’ll rebel and make the right ones.
I have a map of the United States, life size. 1 mile equals 1 mile. It's a bitch to fold it.
I wanted to be an arch-criminal as a child, before I discovered I was too short.
Now, I think the people who are still doing stand-up are doing it because they love stand-up.
The eleventh commandment... Uh let me see, you fuck the kid, get the fuck out. And you can put the "thou shalt..." wherever you think it goes.
You’re not a fan of Dale Earnhardt, you’re a fan of someone else that will take a risk so you can sit your fat faggot ass on a couch and have some slow drip morphine injection of adrenaline so you don’t have to do anything!
I'm still enjoying the single life. Went down to Mardi Gras a couple years ago, that was fun. I went with a buddy of mine. There were some girls up in a balcony. A chant goes up: 'Show your tits.' I joined the chant because I support the cause. The girls show 'em, we threw up some beads -- I figured that's the end of the transaction. Turns out they reciprocate with a chant of their own: 'We want cock.' What do you do? Turns out, I had some cock on me -- unfasten, unbutton, unzip -- beads showering down on me. Best moment of my entire life -- cut short: handcuffed, thrown against the wall. My friend runs off, but manages to get a picture before he does. I don't know a lot about prison, but I do know, handcuffed, with your pants down, covered in beads, is not a good way to arrive.