Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 884
Everybody's angry. They've got nothing to be angry at, so they're angry about nothing.
I think it's easier for African American and white comics to be praised than it is Latinos because they think our culture or our humor is substandard. I mean, I just don't think they want to give us credit. I just don't think that they see us as important enough to be at their level. I'm the longest-produced comedy at Warner Bros. and I don't feel special. They come over and say hello. But everybody's gonna make a lot of money and I don't feel like I'm special to them.
Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.
Even at home, on my stationary exercise bike, I have a rearview mirror.
Flash Gordon, who said, "No, that’s not how I got my name." Never got a dinner!
The Westboro Baptist Church is no more a church than Church's Fried Chicken is a church.
I don`t know what to do about Max, Angie! Last yeah he was up waiting for Santa, and this year him and his little friends on the roof jacking his sleigh! God knows what Carmen will do with the elfs...
You know how you put peanut butter on a piece of bread and the bread falls - it never falls on the bread side down, it always falls peanut butter side down. That's because of gravity.
We would have never gotten mace had someone not thought, "There must be a good way to burn someone's eyes."
Everyone should think for themselves. I learned that in a book I bought called 'Everyone Should Think For Themselves'.
You can't land on the moon and say, "Ooh, it's all sticky! It's covered in jam!”
Being an actor is easy, just picture someone in a room and you outside waiting for your cue to go in. Elliot Gould's been trying that for forty years.