Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 882
I consider myself a patriot, but not for the traditional reasons. I'm just really passionate about apple pie.
Arnold Schwarzenegger met with President Bush. It's amazing if you think about it. It was the Terminator and the One-Term-inator.
For months there have been rumors that J.Lo is finally pregnant with Marc Anthony’s baby. She was afraid it might never happen. I’m afraid it’s going to look like Marc Anthony...
That's the news from Lake Wobegon, where all the women are strong, all the men are good-looking, and all the children are above average.
In Rome, the emperor sat in a special part of the Coliseum called the Caesarian Section.
If you're a man and you have big tits, don't wear a tight T-shirt, okay? It confuses the children!
It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he's telling them all different things.
I found out who the spirit was that designed the Winchester Mystery House. Helen Keller.
I saw a poster for Mission Impossible III the other day. I thought: It’s not impossible if he’s already done it twice.
“Because he wrote it in Sarcastica! If he had enjoyed himself, he would have used Good Times Roman.”
I collect old portraits. They're all just interesting pictures of people, and you just kind of wonder who they were and what they were. There's a guy - I don't know who he is, but he's wearing a suit. He's got his arms folded, and he looks like he sold insurance or something. I'm just wondering why someone painted him.