Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 882

Having kids means there's always someone around to blame your fart on.

I do get the comics online I guess but it's such a pain. I'd rather just get them in the paper and read them.

What do you call a blonde with brains. A labrador.

Sleep is so cute when it tries to compete with the internet.

I was told by the doctor that I was infertile and I couldn't have children, 3 weeks after that he told me that my girlfriend was pregnant....who's the daddy?

Met a girl the other nite and told her- Before you can be with someone you have to know the value of yourself. So does $200 seem reasonable?

God, I hope he dies the night before one of his kids get married.

Don’t clap I’m not a jazz band for Christ’s sake.

When it comes to men, deal with them as they are, not how you’d like them to be.

Get the right to marry - and then don’t.

Mirabelle is attractive; it's just that she is never the first or second girl chosen.

My wife can’t figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who’s had everything up to here?

They found a massive stash of porn in Osama bin Laden's compound. Right now CIA agents are screening the pornography carefully, frame by frame, looking for clues.

The monkey on my back is me.

Cats have nine lives. Makes them ideal for experimentation.