Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 882

What do you think you should do if you’re attacked by a bear? Play dead? No - that’s a lie promoted by the bears.

I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.

I don't miss the economic insecurity, the living paycheck to paycheck.

It's your living room, it's your life, go nuts. You like Home Improvement? Tape it and go over it like it's the Zapruder film.

And by the way, the fact that she's not speaking to anyone in her family is a pretty good indicator that she is the problem.

Life's a short trip. You'll find out.

A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is.

I'm not on a diet. And it’s funny cause people go ‘Well, then why do you drink diet soda?’ So I can eat regular cake.

You have to take the basics of feminism and the kind of outline of it and do what you do with it. You have to make things work for your own life.

I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.

An actor's popularity is fleeting. His success has the life expectancy of a small boy who is about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match.

When I play poker, I don't like losing the pot.

It’s so stupid the shit we’re proud of. You know how you got to be who you are? Your parents fucked. There’s nothing to be proud of. You father wanted a blowjob that night. How’s that feel? You’re just a blowjob that got out of hand.

Isn't it fun to go out on the course and lie in the sun?

Have you seen that show on CBS called 'The Amazing Race'? Is that show about white people?