Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 906
Because sometimes ABC, CBS, NBC, FOX NEWS, MSNBC, CNN, HEADLINE NEWS, CSPAN, and CSPAN 2 just aren't enough.
If you said more words to him than "mommy'll be back", he might know something!
The Jackass movies are honestly some of the best movies I've ever seen. I laugh so hard at them. Those guys are geniuses. If they had grown up with a different group of people, they could've been performance artists at Bard College, and people would be writing papers about them.
I've been trying to find women writers for my staff for a while now and I have three women on my staff and three guys so it's pretty equal. I don't know why that is. It's been the same thing for a while. It's hard for female comedians to stand out. That's weird. That's a shame.
That's Al Qaeda's new plan: to destroy America one period at a time.
Never name it after yourself. Maybe we'll throw a "with" in there. That seems to work. Like Late Show With David Letterman.
The only people I owe an apology to are my dead parents. Except my father because he's still alive.
It's time to stop pretending I'm ok with things I'm not ok with like all insects and Foster the People.
The Doctor says "You'll live to be 60." "I am 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"
Everybody's angry. They've got nothing to be angry at, so they're angry about nothing.
We had the real rednecks where I grew up. The kind of guys that can use the N-word and “Jesus” in the same sentence and mean ‘em both.
We always feel better in anticipation. You don't think about something and think "Aw, it's gonna be shitty." No! You say "This is gonna be the greatest weekend ever! Sonuvabitch!" And then, by Monday, you're throwing up and you're thinking "You know, I always thought those guys were pricks!"
I'm a nerd. I'm a little guy... the last guy you'd expect in a romantic movie.
I don't know if you know about pilots. The way in which our country generates television, they take one episode, one, and then they take that episode, produce it, and show it to a room filled with monkeys. And if the monkeys don't shit themselves, you might have a hit!