Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 906

If this is the best God can do, I'm not impressed.

So, I used to be a music teacher. I used to teach K-5 music here in New York City. I taught the recorder. Are you guys familiar with Satan's little flute? If there's music in Hell, I assure you, it is played on a recorder.

You are a shit head, but I can make you feel like you’re not the only shit head.

Why is no one talking about all the potential savings from a complete economic collapse?

Weirdo. Weirdo. Underachiever. Weirdo. Weirdo.

Sometimes people offer you plays, they offer you parts, but they only offer it because I'm famous.

I got two stools, in case I want to sit down and sit down again on something else.

Hi, I'm Bill. I'm a birth survivor.

Most people are not particularly good at anything.

I've had it where things didn't go well for me with movies or something that got canceled.

There's a whole segment of the population with a mentality that bases good times on where they can go and what they can buy.

“Because he wrote it in Sarcastica! If he had enjoyed himself, he would have used Good Times Roman.”

I saw a psychologist once because I thought I had depression. It cost me $100. When I left, I realised that there's nothing he could have said that would cheer me up as much as if I found a $100 bill on my way home.

I often warn people: somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, "There is no "I" in team." What you should tell them is, "Maybe not. But there is an "I" in independence, individuality and integrity."

I may not be smart enough to debate you point-for-point on this, but I have the feeling about 60% of what you say is crap.