Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 905
There are people who think everything is a conspiracy and I think they’re crazy.
If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the police sketch artist. This is one of the rare instances where two people can do one self-portrait.
Be yourself. If something you do doesn't work, don't do it the next time. Listen to yourself - you know what appropriate behavior is.
I used to have solutions in my act. I'd find a social ill of some kind and I’d rail about it, and then have a solution to that problem. And I’d throw a fist fuck joke in the middle to make it all fit under the umbrella of comedy. And now I just have fuck it let’s just kill a bunch of people.
Just when I think the human race has been lost to the "what about me" people. I see the best we have to offer helping others.
My wife can’t figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who’s had everything up to here?
I told my neighbor I was going to be on the Conan O'Brien Show, and he was like, "Yeah, right." I said, "No, I am." He goes, "So do something only you and I would understand." *looks into camera and stops playing piano* I know you stole my rake.
Sex is just gross. If you just break it down into what it is. It’s just disgusting. Do you ever watch porno after you cum? Ugh.
She is nearing forty and not so easily forgiven as when her skin bloomed like roses.
What Democratic congressmen do to their women staffers, Republican congressmen do to the country.
I only watch the Oscars to make fun of what they wear in the Memoriam.