Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 905
My brother-in-law had to give up his last job because of illness. His boss became sick of him.
It's not an issue per say, but I would urge people to help create an atmosphere where they don't see this complete ideological divide.
I don't smoke a lot of pot anymore. No one wants to hang around a guy who ends every sentence with, "Do you guys hate me?"
2+2=4. Damn straight. All the time, nigga all the time. Then one day this bitch just flipped the script. 3x+y=what? This bitch is still teaching. Did you know that some of them was letters?!!?
As anyone who's ever adopted a dog will tell you, there's always the fear that one day the birth parents will come scratching at the door...
I was at a party and this guys was hitting on me. But he was hitting on me with the most boring questions. One of them was “If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?” <br /> And I was like, “Anywhere?”<br /> And he was like, “Anywhere.”<br /> And I was like, “To the other side of the room… Now please get out of the way of a woman and her dream.”
Who's to say what's better or worse anyway? Who's to even say what's normal or average? We're all different people and we're allowed to be different from on another. If someone ever says you're weird, say thank you. And then curtsy. No, don't curtsy. That might be too weird. Bow. And tip your imaginary hate. That'll show them.
I find that a shirt is most similar to a napkin when I don't have a napkin.
I don't roll like that but I've never been with a hooker either. Yeah, that's good to say in an interview cause I feel bad a little because people grew up watching me and that's a little disturbing.
The N-Word. And everyone says, “Don’t say it again. We should put a moratorium on it, because it’s a bad word.”... You see, it’s not bad to me because I don’t know any and I’ve never been one.
Who the fuck are you? Get out of my house... and take that fucking bulldozer with you.
The average late-night viewer is in their mid-50s and the average viewer of TBS is in their 30s and is largely African-American and Hispanic, already, before I even get there.