Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 905

If you pray about it don't worry about it. If you're going to worry about it don't pray about it.

What's the name of the birth defect you have, trampled by a horse during the 2nd trimester?

It’s true what they say about patience being a virtue; it just happens to be a virtue that I choose not to pursue.

Were they beautiful? We were all beautiful. We were in our twenties.

I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading. So, I got some flip-up contact lenses.

This year, all students WILL be wearing clothes under their graduation outfits or we will press charges!

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

She was feeling her bohemian oats.

Cheaters never prosper. Because they suck.

I was really gifted at being able to construct a joke, but it's like they weren't even memorable, my first jokes, because they were so about nothing.

You can try to steal the thunder all you want, it just reminds people I’m the lightning. You rumble in the distance. I light up the sky.

I'm not funny. What I am is brave.

Me and Abed have an agreement. If one of us dies, we stage it to look like a suicide due to the unjust cancellation of Firefly.

Lady, if you laugh and you don't make a noise, you're a shaker, and it's freaking me out.

Paris Hilton is one of the hosts for Nicole Richie’s baby shower, and they’re serving sushi. Awesome, Paris - sushi, the one thing pregnant women are forbidden to eat. Thanks for the mercury.