Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 907

My daughter’s tricycle said “Some Assembly Required.” It came in a jar.

All we really require is 1 drawer, that is all men want, 1 drawer, this is not a drawer we will pick out early. A drawer will become available, we will tentatively enquire as to it’s usage, “darling this drawer here, can I have this drawer for me?”..Yes I think you can…good this will be my man drawer!!

I am probably a pseudo-intellectual.

Children are like poems. They're beautiful - to their creators - but to others they're just silly and fucking annoying.

We always feel better in anticipation. You don't think about something and think "Aw, it's gonna be shitty." No! You say "This is gonna be the greatest weekend ever! Sonuvabitch!" And then, by Monday, you're throwing up and you're thinking "You know, I always thought those guys were pricks!"

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

I view a visit to the therapist in much the same way that I view a visit to the hairdresser. When I leave the office, my head looks great. Around an hour later it’s all fucked up and I can’t get it to look that way again on my own.

People in Iceland must be into some pretty freaky shit if they can't find a single virgin to throw into that volcano.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

You know, I live a monastic lifestyle. No, I do. I do live in extremes, basically. I go back and forth. Once every six months, I'll have a day where I eat more chocolate than has ever been consumed by a human being.

I would never get married while my father is still alive because I wouldn't want him to walk me down the aisle.

I was at a party and this guys was hitting on me. But he was hitting on me with the most boring questions. One of them was “If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?” <br /> And I was like, “Anywhere?”<br /> And he was like, “Anywhere.”<br /> And I was like, “To the other side of the room… Now please get out of the way of a woman and her dream.”

I have a CD burner... My fireplace.

When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.