Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 907
I never thought I want to do anything, really, except not go to work properly and turn up at the same place every day and eat sandwiches in the same canteen, if I can possibly help it, as I don't think I'd be very good at it.
"I" equals all of the "ifs" added up over time. The "ifs," those are the possibilities; that’s infinite for all of us. Every day there are just millions of them. Time, that’s finite for each of us; there is no question there. Maybe if you divide "choices" by the amount of time you have, the real "I" can emerge, depending upon those choices.
That's the great thing about having your friends around you. I've known these guys forever. I really enjoy their company just as people. You couldn't ask for a better work environment.
I was really gifted at being able to construct a joke, but it's like they weren't even memorable, my first jokes, because they were so about nothing.
I bought my son an indestructible toy. Yesterday he left it in the driveway. It broke my car.
I got some good news earlier today before the show. Thanks to Alex Rodriguez, I am no longer the most overpaid disappointment in New York City.
It’s so stupid the shit we’re proud of. You know how you got to be who you are? Your parents fucked. There’s nothing to be proud of. You father wanted a blowjob that night. How’s that feel? You’re just a blowjob that got out of hand.
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.
My father always used to say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," - 'til the accident.
So the hotel tells us that it is not safe to go in the water because its shark mating time. I know how I'd feel if someone interrupted me.
I told my neighbor I was going to be on the Conan O'Brien Show, and he was like, "Yeah, right." I said, "No, I am." He goes, "So do something only you and I would understand." *looks into camera and stops playing piano* I know you stole my rake.
How would it be if we discovered that aliens only stopped by earth to let their kids take a leak?
For months there have been rumors that J.Lo is finally pregnant with Marc Anthony’s baby. She was afraid it might never happen. I’m afraid it’s going to look like Marc Anthony...