Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 924

Improv relies just as much on listening as it does you delivering dialogue. That's the hard for some people. Some people just concentrate on what they're going to say, and they're not listening. You have to listen in order to see where the other person is going to.

The best-laid plans of mice and comedians usually wind up on the cutting-room floor.

You can teach an old dog new tricks. You just don't want to watch the dog doing them.

Where there's a will - there's a relative!

I love show business. I wake up every morning and kiss it.

You can only offend me if you mean something to me.

My wife and I have been together for 11 years, and seven of those married. We got married on 07/07/07. We support each other 150 percent. We have fun. We are a modern-day Sonny & Cher. I don’t sing. My wife sings. We’re so different, but so alike. We got that ying and yang thing going on. You see it, but you don’t know how it works.

Have a little fun.

I noticed recently, in the last few shows I did, that I'm starting to get people - not a large group, but quite a few people - who come to see me because they love Curb Your Enthusiasm.

I don’t know what it would be like to actually play guitar. I’ve toured with a lot of comedians and it’s never been like it is for a rock band.

Kristen Stewart always looks like she's posing for pictures taken in a basement by her creepy uncle.

I don't talk soft, that's that other dude.

Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.

I grew up poor… I grew up the baby of eight kids. We grew up in a two bedroom house. Mama didn’t have to worry about a curfew. You came up late, you didn’t have a bed.

Better than nothing is not good enough for you!