Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 924
Today's ballroom dances like the swim, the frug, the chicken and the monkey are really nervous disorders set to music.
Two Drink Mike enjoys dancing and knows a magic trick. Whereas, No Drink Mike enjoys biographies, and has serious opinions on wildlife. And Five Drink Mike...dances with wildlife...
Black people love the Price Is Right. A negro might not know how to read, but he knows how much Rice-a-Roni costs.
A girl offered me E at the club. 'Have you ever done E?' 'I watch E.'
With Michael Jackson, what I thought was really interesting was the people saying: ‘He looked really well in that final video.’ I was, like: ‘No, he didn’t – he looked like someone had melted goat’s cheese over a sex doll.’
I went on a hardcore drinking and smoking binge. It lasted right about nine months. And then as soon as I was born, I was like, “Do not go in there.”
They say that 'Guns don't kill people, people kill people.' Well I think the gun helps. If you just stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people.
Country hillbillies do the tobacco stuff in their lip. I don’t know what sensation it gives them. Maybe it helps them hate minorities better.
If your boss asks you why you're comin' in late, you say it's 'cause you stayed late.
The only work I ever turned down was a cable programme called Diving for Excrement.
50 years: here's a time when you have to separate yourself from what other people expect of you, and do what you love. Because if you find yourself 50 years old and you aren't doing what you love, then what's the point?
I wanted to get a job as a gynecologist, but I couldn't find an opening.