Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 925

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

To which she replied, “Actually, I do.”

You might be a redneck if you've sat on the toilet until your legs fell asleep.

Nigga, look at me, do I look like I follow diets well?

Y'ever notice how you never seem to get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it's because all the coats are on the bed.

Be sure to wear a good cologne, a nice aftershave lotion, and a strong underarm deodorant. And it might be a good idea to wear some clothes, too.

Yes, I'm known as America's most genuine comedian.

If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.

Did you ever see the customers in health-food stores? They are pale, skinny people who look half dead. In a steak house, you see robust, ruddy people. They're dying, of course, but they look terrific.

Improv relies just as much on listening as it does you delivering dialogue. That's the hard for some people. Some people just concentrate on what they're going to say, and they're not listening. You have to listen in order to see where the other person is going to.

Wanting more. Having your cake or eating your cake are fine. Not even wanting cake is where you get fucked.

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

You better watch out. You better not cry. You better not pout, I'm telling you why, 'cause Santa Clause might put a cap in your ass.

I'd commit suicide, if I could do it without killing myself.

Face the fact that there's only one sure-fire way to erase credit card debt. By picking up a big, shiny pair of scissors and cutting your wife in half.