Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 925

I like the authentic punk dance you did there. It’s like a child dizzy off lemonade

I'm a one-man idiot.

He comes back with the script, and it's racist like a 1940's Newspaper.

I was 23 with a mullet doing lots of jerk-off material."I can't look at the old tapes now.

Usually when you hear a laugh like that, it comes with a chainsaw.

I’m no sellout, literally.

I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and has AIDS.

I went on a hardcore drinking and smoking binge. It lasted right about nine months. And then as soon as I was born, I was like, “Do not go in there.”

I just took a dump that reminded me of my childhood. Because it was as big as a child.

When I am given a multiple choice test I choose not to take it.

It's been hard in entertainment as a 45-year-old woman to find jobs. They get fewer and far between if you're older, unless you're one of the few lucky ones who work constantly, like Meryl Streep.

On the most Scottish thing he'd ever seen: I was going through a town called Bathgate at around 11 o'clock at night. And there was a guy leaning and pissing against a front door. He then took out his keys and went inside.

Everyone is coming from a place of fear and my feeling is stop being so afraid. If something doesn’t work then that’s fine at least then you know it doesn’t work. Don’t worry so much about it not working, you can always fix that.

I should be European, man. I'm long and lean. I'd look good in a trench coat.

I wish my name started with a comma. That would be so dramatic.