Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 927
You have to fail, man, but you cannot allow failure to stop you from doing what you must do. Failing is just as good as succeeding in a lot of ways. It’s how you react to it all. You can react to success the wrong way and be a total failure. Or you can react to losing with your whole heart, learn from it, and be a huge success. In stand-up, I’ve learned to know when I’m burning it up or when I’m being so-so. That’s experience. I learn every single time I’m on a stage.
The towers fell, and the first thing that went through my head was my dad's voice: 'Well, you brought a new life into the world, and the world's over. Nice timing, numbnuts!'
Movies have takes. But plays are like life - you don't really get takes.
I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.
I saw a commercial for the maxi pads for the bigger gals they're making now. That was a nice visual while I was eating.
I have these friends, and they had a daughter recently and they named her Jessica. They spelt it J-E-S-I-K-A. They’re that kind of people.
People make plans and God laughs. Why? What's wrong with people making plans? Why don't you just grow the fuck up, you big, fake jerk.
On Joan Rivers: “Could your original face have been that much worse than that clown mask you’ve had welded on?”
While my fervent hope is we can get the entire amount. I think we need to have some idea what we would lose.
You might be a redneck if you are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.