Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 927
I love the guys who say "I watch NASCAR for the racing." Yeah, and I watch porn for the acting. You liar!
My fans are pretty normal, they are always really nice and polite, and they don't interrupt my meals.
Kristen Stewart always looks like she's posing for pictures taken in a basement by her creepy uncle.
I grew up poor… I grew up the baby of eight kids. We grew up in a two bedroom house. Mama didn’t have to worry about a curfew. You came up late, you didn’t have a bed.
Text a guy you like right now, "I'm thinking about you." If he says, "mmm are you in bed?" Never speak to him again he's a lifelong moron.
If I could rent someone else's subconscious occasionally maybe I could get a decent night's sleep.
I went into a deli and got an egg sandwich and a hot chocolate. And then I went outside and I had to get a cab, so I had to put up one of my hands. But I already started eating my sandwich; I took it out of the bag, I was impatient. So my choice was hold up an egg sandwich or hold up a hot chocolate to get a car. So I chose the hot chocolate. And I put it up there and no cab stopped and I realized it was because I looked like I was toasting traffic. Standing on the street, ‘Here’s to you guys, to everybody heading west, I just wanna say I like what you do… but one of you needs to stop, pick me up.’
My headshot is a scratch and sniff, it smells like failure and onions.
I don’t understand the whole concept of a massage. You get a woman to rub all over every single part of your body except the one part you really want rubbed on.
You're 28, why are you going to goth clubs? Do what I do, sit at home & wait to die. You don't have to kill yourself, you're just waiting.
I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
I was out walking the other evening. This fellow accosted me, and asked if that was the moon up there in the sky. I replied that I had no idea, as I was a stranger there myself.