Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 927

People always tell me "Have a nice day." Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?

I read recently that women still make 30% less than men in the workplace. Which I think is fine, cause if we didn't make 30% more, you guys would marry each other.

Black people love the Price Is Right.  A negro might not know how to read, but he knows how much Rice-a-Roni costs.

A girl offered me E at the club. 'Have you ever done E?' 'I watch E.'

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.

If you want to recapture your youth, just cut off his allowance.

Twitter seems like a busman’s holiday: just more writing. I have no plans to do it. I’ll just stick with my 24/7 webcam. I’m old-fashioned that way.

I have to warn you about tonight's show. Tonight's show will fix your relationship or destroy it. And either way, you're welcome.

If I were to die of anything vaguely sex-related or had taken Viagra, you just know there’d be headlines of ‘Russell How-hard’ in the newspapers.

Moshe Dayan, who donated his eye to CBS. Never got a dinner!

What's the opposite of opposite? Consider yourself bamboozled!

And here's something else, another problem you might have: Suppose your prayers aren't answered. What do you say? "Well, it's God's will." "Thy Will Be Done." Fine, but if it's God's will, and He's going to do what He wants to anyway, why the fuck bother praying in the first place? Seems like a big waste of time to me! Couldn't you just skip the praying part and go right to His Will? It's all very confusing.

The Westboro Baptist Church is no more a church than Church's Fried Chicken is a church.

If your boss asks you why you're comin' in late, you say it's 'cause you stayed late.

No children were abused in the making of this show. No one was hurt and no Islamic cartoons were used. You know, for those of you that can't take a fucking joke.