Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 928

Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.

Alright guys, I want to get out there and vote tomorrow. And not because it's cool, because it's not. You know what is cool? Smoking. Smoke while you vote.

I always knew I shouldn't have said that.

Even John's dick has a great hairline. On "Full House," John's dick had a mullet.

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

To which she replied, “Actually, I do.”

Stupid National Anthem... Look at this flag; Two bears fighting over a pineapple. What kind of message does that send to the world? "Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit"

I bug myself to take the pressure off of my pals.

Y'ever notice how you never seem to get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it's because all the coats are on the bed.

Be sure to wear a good cologne, a nice aftershave lotion, and a strong underarm deodorant. And it might be a good idea to wear some clothes, too.

The truth is, for however much my stories come out of things that have happened to me, they're not darkly or as deeply personal as someone like Marc Maron or a lot of comedians, but they are essentially my life and my interpretation of it.

Marriage was the only way to truly find out that I was the wrong choice.

If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.

If that man in the PTL is such a healer, why can't he make his wife's hairdo go down?

You could be a genius -- you try to write a postcard, you come across like a moron anyway. It's always like, 'This city's got big buildings. I like food. Bye.