Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 928

I'm going to be going to a secluded spot where no one can find me - NBC prime time.

Hopefully, underlying all my jokes is an element of surprise.

One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

For some reason I did something where I realized I could get a reaction. That was when I broke out of my shell at school, because I really didn't have any friends or anything like that and I just kind of was going along, and then finally I did this zany thing, and all of a sudden I had tons of friends.

Is it a bad sign when you see the person you're dating and get the same feeling as if you just saw police lights in you're rear view mirror?

I come from a family of musicians. Even the sewing machine is a Singer.

Hello niggas, Hello bitches! Ladies I hope you don't mind me calling you bitches cuz I don't know you all by name.

Happy Thanksgiving! I broke into Best Buy and stole a copy of Pocahontas to celebrate.

There are packs of baboons running around Africa that take better care of themselves than we do. You know what health insurance is for me? I've got Band-Aids in my car.

People love to admit they have bad handwriting or that they can't do math. And they will readily admit to being awkward: "I'm such a klutz!" But they will never admit to having a poor sense of humor or being a bad driver.

The one who cares the most wins. That's how I knew I'd end up with everyone else waving the white flags and not me. That's how I knew I'd be the last person standing when it was all over. I cared the most.

I just took a dump that reminded me of my childhood. Because it was as big as a child.

She's so pure, Moses couldn't even part her knees.

Country hillbillies do the tobacco stuff in their lip. I don’t know what sensation it gives them. Maybe it helps them hate minorities better.