Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 926
9% would give up sex for the remote control. 91% has already given up sex for the remote control!
The essence of childhood, of course, is play, which my friends and I did endlessly on streets that we reluctantly shared with traffic.
If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
You could be a genius -- you try to write a postcard, you come across like a moron anyway. It's always like, 'This city's got big buildings. I like food. Bye.
Oprah's quitting in 2011. Now we know why the Mayans ended their calendar in 2012.
The best way to make somebody feel important is to try to assassinate them.
It is not the big events that hurt the most but rather the smallest questionable shift in tone at the end of a spoken word that can plow most deeply into the heart.
If he's unsure, then he's unsure, and that's an answer - unsure is 'no.' The phrase 'I love you, but I'm not in love with you' really is this. The first 'I love you' means, 'I don't want to hurt you.' The second one means, 'I'm not in love with you.' That's bad news. 'I'm not in love with you' is 'I'm not in love with you.'
I was watching Batman, the TV show, on TV Land, on the cable. And Robin said to Batman, "Golly, Batman! Why is the Joker so evil!?" And Batman said, "Careful, Robin. The criminal mind sees the world through a prism the solid citizen dare not peer through." Batman has a more nuanced worldview than the president.
Life isn't something you possess. It's something you take part in, and you witness.
I'm at the register in the clothing store, and i put a pair of pants on the counter. The lady says "You Gonna Buy Those" I said "Nope gonna steal them, just wanna let you see them before I do" Here's your sign!
I love the guys who say "I watch NASCAR for the racing." Yeah, and I watch porn for the acting. You liar!