Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 926
I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and has AIDS.
I understand that if you're a kid in Indonesia, you need to smoke because you just got off work at the Nike factory.
The one who cares the most wins. That's how I knew I'd end up with everyone else waving the white flags and not me. That's how I knew I'd be the last person standing when it was all over. I cared the most.
I just took a dump that reminded me of my childhood. Because it was as big as a child.
Dear semi hot girl taking photos on a boat. It's not your boat so stop acting like you own it. You drive a used Civic.
On the most Scottish thing he'd ever seen: I was going through a town called Bathgate at around 11 o'clock at night. And there was a guy leaning and pissing against a front door. He then took out his keys and went inside.
A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old age.' The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.'
My friends and family always thought I was pretty funny, but I don't know if they thought I was get-my-own-show funny.
My buddy got busted for counterfeiting. He was making pennies. They caught him because he was putting the heads and tails on the wrong sides.
You might be a redneck if you empty the bed of your pickup truck by driving backwards really fast and then slamming on the brakes.
There will always be a battle between the sexes because men and women want different things. Men want women and women want men.
Ivory's the kind of girl who gets drunk and immediately starts slurring. I have a lot of friends like that, and I think it's because it makes me look more together.
On the show, I do a very serious thing. And a lot of people have a hard time reconciling that with what I'm going to do after the show. They can't get it into their heads: "How can he be talking to Madeleine Albright one minute and then somebody half his age...." They're just jealous. But I never made any bones about it. I am a player. Always have been.