Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 926

How would it be if we discovered that aliens only stopped by earth to let their kids take a leak?

The towers fell, and the first thing that went through my head was my dad's voice: 'Well, you brought a new life into the world, and the world's over. Nice timing, numbnuts!'

We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.

So, what are you in for? MANSLAUGHTER!!! I SLAUGHTERED A MAN!! JUST LIKE A PIG!!! PUT HIM ON A SPIT AND PUT AN APPLE IN HIS MOUTH!!!!

It was easier to sell a painting that was not for sale.

The other day a woman came up to me and said, "Didn't I see you on television?" I said, "I don't know. You can't see out the other way."

They’re calling Hooters now a family restaurant. Isn’t that hilarious? Tits for the whole family!

Villains fear me because I am unpredictable and broccoli. See what I mean?

We're all gonna lie, we're all gonna cry, and we're all gonna take painful shits.

The name's Hank, !@#$% face, learn it!

All of those things make it look like a really hard transaction to pull off. But it can be done.

I'm going to be going to a secluded spot where no one can find me - NBC prime time.

My grandmother died of natural causes. Or as my family calls it murdered by the lord.

I don't like throwing myself in a place that's going to rock my world.

Today's ballroom dances like the swim, the frug, the chicken and the monkey are really nervous disorders set to music.