Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 929

How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?

So the hotel tells us that it is not safe to go in the water because its shark mating time. I know how I'd feel if someone interrupted me.

Does your wife ever look at you with a look that if your name wasn't on bills that need to be paid you'd be out the door?

The towers fell, and the first thing that went through my head was my dad's voice: 'Well, you brought a new life into the world, and the world's over. Nice timing, numbnuts!'

We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.

So, what are you in for? MANSLAUGHTER!!! I SLAUGHTERED A MAN!! JUST LIKE A PIG!!! PUT HIM ON A SPIT AND PUT AN APPLE IN HIS MOUTH!!!!

According to the New York Post, Lance Armstrong and Ashley Olsen are dating. They must be getting serious - Lance gave Ashley his yellow Live Strong bracelet. She wears it as a belt.

It was easier to sell a painting that was not for sale.

In school I was never the class clown, but more the class trapeze artist, as I was always being suspended.

My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.

I have the distinction of speaking to you from one of the few countries that still has a communist party.

They’re calling Hooters now a family restaurant. Isn’t that hilarious? Tits for the whole family!

But isn't there something wrong when I'm the only guy in the country that got fired for 9/11?

You might be a redneck if the first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are "Howdy!", "Hey!" or "How Y'all Doin'?"

For the first time ever, women are scoring higher than men on IQ tests. Scientists say it has something to do with breast implants - not that it makes the women smarter, it just makes the men dumber.