Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 929
Yeah, big deal! *points to scar on his stomach* See that? Straighteners, Nicky Clarke, hottest you can get. Fell asleep on them when I was pissed.
I'll bet there aren't too many people hooked on crack who can play the bagpipes.
If you're keeping score at home, they have now applauded executions at the Republican debate, they have cheered letting an uninsured man die, and they booed an active duty U.S. serviceman for being gay. I don’t know how you get to the right with this crowd but Ron Paul’s new campaign ad is just the Rodney King beating to the sound of children laughing.
You know you're a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself.
Oprah's quitting in 2011. Now we know why the Mayans ended their calendar in 2012.
In New York, we're out of road salt. So for the next big storm they have to use parmesan cheese.
I just finished my income tax forms. Who says you can't get wounded by a blank?
Some PR is about getting information about a great product or thingy out to the people who would enjoy it, while other PR is about creating a web of lies that conceals the fact that your company harnesses the energy produced by rape and uses it to make a chemical that kills forests for fun. Either way, you're going to need it.
Sex is a very narrow avenue. You only have so many holes and parts, and eventually, you run out of things to do.
As I die, and my life flashes before my eyes, I want to see who made faces at me when I turned my head. That's all I want to see.
I suppose I grew up wishing I was an American Jew for the comedy and the one-liners. ... actress who does a Holocaust movie because, as she explains, it's a surefire way to finally win an Oscar.
My fans are pretty normal, they are always really nice and polite, and they don't interrupt my meals.
I stopped having intimacy problems when my lovers did impressions of other women.
Every year my boss used to give me a bottle of expensive brandy because I’d told him that my doctor suggested a drink once in a while. This year my boss gave me the name of a new doctor.