Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 930
All of those things make it look like a really hard transaction to pull off. But it can be done.
My grandmother died of natural causes. Or as my family calls it murdered by the lord.
I was at the Wal-Mart, which is where I think everybody goes eventually. If they die without Christ.
I don't like throwing myself in a place that's going to rock my world.
Leave me alone, Baldrick. If I wanted to talk to a vegetable, I would have bought one at the market.
They call me "Good Time Emo". Because I love a good time! And my name is Emo.
There are only two places in the world: over here and over there.
Three times in ten years of comedy I've pulled my dick out or gone on stage naked, and it was appropriate at the time.
Both of my parents got to see me host Carson, thank God. That's all anyone wants: to have their parents see they're going to be all right in life.
You can have good writing, but a great actor will make it feel and sound like great writing. You can have great writing, and mediocre actors will make it feel mediocre. Without the actors, you have nothing.
You have to remember: the wife been home all day cleaning asses and feeding faces. Sometimes the opposite.
People always tell me "Have a nice day." Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?
Someone stole my wallet last week. The guy called me up and he was mad at me. He was like 'you gotta get your finances together. You got no cash, your credit cards are maxed out. You don't even have minutes on your calling card. I had to use my card to call you.'
I have to warn you about tonight's show. Tonight's show will fix your relationship or destroy it. And either way, you're welcome.