Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 930
My fans are pretty normal, they are always really nice and polite, and they don't interrupt my meals.
I stopped having intimacy problems when my lovers did impressions of other women.
At one time, Washington actually meant something. But now, it's about as relevant as Bob Dylan's tuning fork.
North Korea pissed off the entire world last week by testing yet another nuclear bomb. This brings North Korea one step closer to a full scale nuclear bomb, that we will drop on North Korea.
Everyone, everywhere, and all the time, used to laugh at me when I was growing up. So, when I was around 18, I thought, 'I'll become a comedian, and then if everyone laughs at me, I'll be famous.' So I went on stage one night and, for the first time in my life, everyone stopped laughing at me.
Repeat after me. I promise not to run outside of the house. I promise not to run inside of the house. I promise not to touch, pick up, step on, anything that looks interesting.
In a statement to the Associated Press earlier in the year, Jamie Lynn said she didn't have a boyfriend. She said, "I'm keeping my options open." And by options, she meant legs.
There are flaws in the way politics is reported in this country today and we should do something about it, ... Radio and television coverage of politics doesn't see its role as a mission to explain, but to destroy, in a pernicious culture in which journalists pit themselves against politicians.
You might be a redneck if you've ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom.
My wife is impossible. It is only safe to wake her from a distance, like Portugal.
So yeah, this song, then we'll go off, then we'll come back and do another song because going off will obviously just have been fake all along and you know that now which ruins it.
I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.