Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 957

If a guy truly likes you, but for personal reasons he needs to take things slow, he will let you know that immediately. He won’t keep you guessing, because he’ll want to make sure you don’ get frustrated and go away.

My nickname for my mom was 'The Compass.'

Incredible experience, watching a baby birth on the internet. It's now my screensaver.

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

If something’s neither here nor there, where the hell is it?

At the end of the Peterson trial, my daughter turns to me and she goes, 'Daddy, are you going to kill Mommy?' 'Oh, honey - that's up to mommy, isn't it?'

I was coming home from kindergarten - well they told me it was kindergarten. I found out later I had been working in a factory for ten years. It's good for a kid to know how to make gloves.

You got a gun, you don't have to work out.

I would imagine the wages of sin are death. But by the time they take taxes out it’s just kind of a tired feeling.

My family taught me to take regrets one day at a time.

I am everything and I am nothing. I am just kidding; I am not everything and nothing. That would be ridiculous. I am just everything.

What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find?

I'm as poor as a church mouse, that's just had an enormous tax bill on the very day his wife ran off with another mouse, taking all the cheese.

In talking to girls I could never remember the right sequence of things to say. I'd meet a girl and say, "Hi, was it good for you too?" If a girl spent the night, I'd wake up in the morning and then try to get her drunk.

It's not even about black and white anymore, because so many people are from mixed backgrounds and mixed ethnicities, and it's just a great time to be able to pull all that together.