Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 957

Sometimes I... No, I don't.

No, I did not really punch the woman in the Honeymooners bit. We had a makeup artist punch her.

I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.

They should have a store next to the bookstore called the shit store where you can get shit books to read while on the shitter. No one reads great literature on the shitter.

My first year on 'SNL', I made $90,000 dollars.

If you find yourself lost in the woods, fuck it -- build a house! Well, I was lost but now I live here. I have severely improved my predicament.

I masturbate. A lot. And yet, I don't floss because it’s too much of a hassle. Ten seconds of joy over a lifetime of tooth decay, that's what I've chosen.

Let me tell you something black people: If white people tell you they never use the N-word, they’re lying to your face. Either that, or they’ve never bet a $1,000 on an NBA game.

When anything huge happens to me, I always think, this isn't my moment, this is a moment.

The successful golfers - they're like astronauts or pilots. They have that demeanor that they can focus and stay within that one moment and nothing distracts them. That's not me.

I was trying to daydream but my mind kept wandering.

I love this game!

I can't do that. I'm already the single guy living in his parents' house. I can't be seen digging a grave in the middle of the night.

You got a gun, you don't have to work out.

I still do my comedy and my performance stuff and my acting so it's not all-consuming. But I do find myself drawing more and more these days.