Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 957

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

My first year on 'SNL', I made $90,000 dollars.

Let me tell you something black people: If white people tell you they never use the N-word, they’re lying to your face. Either that, or they’ve never bet a $1,000 on an NBA game.

Some say the glass is half empty, some say the glass is half full, I say, are you going to drink that?

Most people are not particularly good at anything.

I do have certain feelings. My feeling is that whoever is in charge, I want him out.

I saw a commercial for the maxi pads for the bigger gals they're making now. That was a nice visual while I was eating.

There is nothing so annoying as having two people talking when you're busy interrupting.

Why don't you get me a gift? I'm still single! I don't know if you can register at a liquor store, but I would like to try.

President Bush is taking the entire month of August off. Bush said today he thinks it is important for a president to spend time away from Washington. Or at least that's what Dick Cheney told him.

Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.

[On Her Best Friend's Pregnancy]<br /> I'll never forget how she told us. She took us all out to brunch, and she was like, 'You guys, I'm keeping this one.'

"Normally you have news, weather and travel…..but not on snow day, on snow day news is weather is travel.” (Talking about the heavy snow in Britain.)

I don't usually fly in first class, but I fart in first class.

Well, aren't you a saucy sack of estrogen?