Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 958

Not a Harvard-type education, just a not-sticking-up-a-liquor-store-type education.

I got an E-Trade account. Turns out I can turn $1,000 into $420 in less than a week. Sure, I had to pay some fees...

I wanted my character to be accessible and nonthreatening.

My only problem with white men is y’all don’t know how to break up with a bitch. Shit! I watch the crime channel…. I’m gonna tell you the difference in black women and white women. See, black women, we don’t allow our men to come home with duct tape if shit ain’t broke.

Kangoroos can't hop backwards.

Anyone who knows me will tell you that I am all about money. I mean, just look how well my line of zodiac-inspired toe rings and homeopathic children’s medications are selling on Home Shopping Network.

Iraq now says that it will, after all, destroy its missiles. President Bush said, "Please, I used to pull the same trick. There'd be an intervention, I'd make a big show of pouring out the liquor and then there was a case under the floorboards."

When you see the veins popping out of my neck, that's an exclamation point.

So I went to a club the other day, which is timely because my self esteem had been hovering right around ‘normal’ and I had been meaning to knock it down to negative 1000.

If I was a freak of nature... Hell yeah I wanna do freak shows! I don't wanna be applying for jobs at the mall.

They say that instead of cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. Nothing is mentioned, though, about cursing a lack of candles.

I never leave a dog alone in a car on a hot day. I make sure it's with an elderly person holding a baby.

It's good they're holding the Olympics in the East End of London. Means the athletes will have to use extra skill to work out which gunshot is the starting pistol.

My father hauled boxes so I could get an education and earn enough money to pay someone to make me lift weights.

I’m actually thinking of getting a dog. My parents actually said to me the other day, “Your little apartment? That’s a horrible, terrible place for a dog.” Yeah, but I live there. At least the dog doesn’t have to shave in the toilet like I do.