Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 958
Oh, something’s *always* wrong, Balders… the fact that I’m not a millionaire aristocrat, with the sexual capacity of a rutting rhino, is a constant niggle.
I will suffice to say, ‘sod off and if we ever meet again it will be one billion years too soon’
A man walks into a pet shop and says: "Give me a wasp." The shopkeeper replies: "We don't sell wasps." He says: "There's one in the window."
Every Sunday my dad calls to ask if I went to church. And every Sunday I lie and say: "Sorry. Wrong Number."
I love conspiracy theories. I used to just live on it. You know it's all hype and garbage, but you're still really paranoid afterwards. It's fun entertainment.
If your biggest tax deduction was bail money, you might be a redneck.
The Second Amendment says we have the right to bear arms, not to bear artillery.
Yesterday, the president met with a group he calls the coalition of the willing. Or, as the rest of the world calls them, Britain and Spain.
There's a fine line between being a sicko and an adventurous spirit.
It turns out dentists don't like it very much when you show up for a cleaning in full vampire gear.
Having a beard is a good way to make your face more susceptible to velcro.
Now I'm used to my daily, almost hourly, outrage at what's happening in this country.