Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 958

All bitches have a heart.

It is a little ironic that one thing a babysitter should not do is sit on a baby.

The East End of Glasgow is like the Olympics. Lots of foriegners in tracksuits struggling to speak English.

I thought 'Pineapple Express' was hilarious.

I can't ever remember ever seeing any charity porn, though. "Farmyard Frolics 3: A portion of this goes to a women's literacy programme in Eritrea".

I did Scottish footballer of the year this year, attempted to do some comedy at that. Not the brightest people in the world. There were seven O-Levels in that room, and they were all mine.

Last time you bring me pie, I cut into it, with my tiny pie cutter, and millions of birds flew out hitting me in the eyes and the temples...it was a trick pie!

Ma’am, are you trying to molest me via drivethru?

We wanted something different this year. We're still keeping the musicianship, as opposed to it being a jam band fest. There's also a lot more standard bluegrass acts and we've never had an act like Bobby McFerrin before. You don't have to be a bluegrass artist - you just have to be a great artist to fit in at Telluride.

...you're nuts but you're welcome here.

Last year I punched a shop assistant over the duvet tog-rating system and went berserk over a mince pie. I am stung by accusations that I over-react.

Sobriety is something you do for yourself. I sure don't miss blackouts but the downside is having the clarity to know who I am.

I tried to buy bedding not so long ago... has anybody here tried to buy a duvet? Did you come up against the old tog rating system? It’s like coming up against the Spanish Inquisition.

You might be a redneck if you've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.

I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading. So, I got some flip-up contact lenses.