Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 956

Ma’am, are you trying to molest me via drivethru?

My favorite Dylan song? I think it's 'Just Like a Woman.' It always makes me cry.

And now that you have a child you have to clean up your act, 'cause you can't drink anymore. You can't come home drunk and go, "Hey, here`s a little switch: Daddy's gonna throw up on you!"

Oprah's quitting in 2011. Now we know why the Mayans ended their calendar in 2012.

Last year I punched a shop assistant over the duvet tog-rating system and went berserk over a mince pie. I am stung by accusations that I over-react.

Sobriety is something you do for yourself. I sure don't miss blackouts but the downside is having the clarity to know who I am.

I tried to buy bedding not so long ago... has anybody here tried to buy a duvet? Did you come up against the old tog rating system? It’s like coming up against the Spanish Inquisition.

You might be a redneck if you've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.

You're an investigator - can't nobody find stuff out like a woman. Y'all put the police to shame, make the little investigative tricks they show on CSI and Law & Order: SVU look like counting lessons on Sesame Street.

Laughter separates us from despair, and gives us a chance at love.

I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading. So, I got some flip-up contact lenses.

Thank you people that are laughing with your hand away from your mouth. That joke is clearly not for everyone, but I enjoy watching people that don’t laugh make the people that do laugh feel shitty about themselves.

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

Living by the beach means feeling guilty about never going to the beach.

My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.