Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 956
Most people think, "Life sucks, and then you die." I disagree. I think life sucks. Then you get cancer. Then you go into chemotherapy. You lose all your hair, you feel bad about yourself. Then all of the sudden the cancer goes into remission, and then all of the sudden you have a stroke. You can't move your right side. And then, maybe, you die.
That's right. It turns out we've all been taking relationship advice from the fat middle-aged, bald guy who drives a Ferrari!
For a long time I thought I knew for sure who I was. I grew up in New Orleans and became a comedian. And there was everything that came along with that. The nightclubs. The smoking. The drinking. Then I turned 13.
'The ruckus' is different experiences you go through throughout your life which builds your ruckus points up - your tolerance. You've got to have a high tolerance for dealing with stuff all the time.
I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.
I had to move in with my girlfriend... It was very successful and we lived very happily in domestic bliss and harmony... for 13 days.
But I don't want to lose touch with things like eating in Bob's Big Boy.
When I told my wife she was lousy in bed - she went out - she got a second opinion.
I wasn't always black... there was this freckle, and it got bigger and bigger.
If you're walking down a street, it is never funny to pick up a child and run.
Strip clubs are great places to meet interesting people you only wanna know for about 40 minutes.
I definitely have breast envy. When teenage girls were saying 'I wish I had breasts', I was thinking the same thing.