Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 956
I wouldn't want to be someone's roommate, that's for sure. You can't do certain things: you can't leave the bathroom door open... you can't put your feet on the couch, you can't hide stuff in the couch.
Michelangelo’s girlfriend, who said to Angelo, "Forget the paint – let’s put a mirror on the ceiling." Never got a dinner!
When I first started doing comedy years ago, I used to be the biggest Michael Richards fan. I used to love this dude. He was on a TV show called 'Fridays,' and man, he was tall and lanky - and I was tall and lanky. I love physical comedy, and he was a physical comedian, and I said, 'Man, I love this guy.'
Old people can't fall asleep in their chair in peace. As soon as they start to nod off you go, "Nan! Nan!" They go, "What? What?" "Oh sorry we thought you'd just di..."
You might be a redneck if your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
I wasn't always black... there was this freckle, and it got bigger and bigger.
I was reading the paper the other day because my neighbor got up late.
I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny.
I can't swim. I can't drive, either. I was going to learn to drive but then I thought, well, what if I crash into a lake?
I think they should make Twilight closets and all the cast members can walk out of them.
I know they don’t recommend Ibuprofen during pregnancy, but you needed something fast for the hangovers.
I think you are looking at sexuality and not attributes, and I think it's odd because the conservative mantra is a meritocracy. And I think what you're suggesting is the fact that being gay parents makes you not as good as others. And I would suggest that a loving, gay family with a financially secure background beats the hell out of Britney Spears and Kevin Federline any day of the week.
Never say to younger people "that was before your time," because the last full moon was before their time!