Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 977

Welcome back, my cheeky wee monkeys.

If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!

I'm not the voice of reason; I'm more the guy using these offensive topics as fodder to raise tension in a joke.

Here's the analogy. If my body were a car, I'd be thinking about trading it in around now. I would like to upgrade. I would be actually on the lot somewhere and some guy with a loud sports jacket would be sizing me up... kinda looking around going maybe kicking my knees. Looking behind me going: "That looks a little bashed in back there...Yeah. You mind if I check under the hood?" "Well yes I do! Thank you very much."

My favorite Dylan song? I think it's 'Just Like a Woman.' It always makes me cry.

A parade looks like a bunch of people are excited about being in traffic.

Occasionally, when I lived in London, I would have sex with a girl from an aristocratic family. I always enjoyed doing to them what their ancestors did to my country.

Does anyone find it ironic how a program aimed at old people is called 'Countdown'?

What I've learned about comedy people is that they're defined by the harshest level they've been to, their personal Auschwitz.

I think the hard thing about stand-up - I mean, I think this part is great - but that the traveling is y'know, 'cause - 'cause I'm gone a lot from home and this time I'm out for three-and-a-half weeks without going home, and that's hard, to be gone three-and-a-half weeks 'cause then I have to ask my friends, "Would you mind going to the house and watering the plants, and turn some lights on and make it look like somebody's home, and make sure that the mobile over the crib isn't tangled or the baby's gonna get bored..."

There are fears that Britain could be facing a double-dip recession, or worse still, a double-dip with misery sprinkles and fuck-where's-my-job-sauce.

It's a positive thing to talk about terrible things and make people laugh about them.

She has learned that her body is precious and it mustn't be offered carelessly ever again, as it holds a direct connection to her heart.

I was in a tailspin of confusion I hadn't experienced since the first time I heard George W. Bush speak.

The simple combination of letters and sounds you select as a name for your baby can result in a life of carefree coolness or decades of expensive therapy. "Hi, I'm Jake" versus "Hi, I'm... Tapioca"