Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 979

We have two dogs, Mabel and Wolf, and three cats at home, Charlie, George and Chairman. We have two cats on our farm, Tom and Little Sister, two horses, and two mini horses, Hannah and Tricky. We also have two cows, Holy and Madonna. And those are only the animals we let sleep in our bed.

Now the country is in a terrible state and you've blamed it on a number of things - unemployment rate, the value of the pound, and all that. It's actually because the national anthem is boring.

I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck.

Lots of people fake orgasms but I fake serenity.

My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.

Outgrew the media... The negativity felt like a disease.

If I ever get the chance, I'd like to force a mailman to eat his own mail.

Use crazy glue and nails to turn a rocking chair into just a chair that looks like a rocking chair.

Pardon me I've got nothing to say.

I just do my thing and try each show to be more honest about why I am and who I am. It's quite tricky and actually nerve-racking to do that. It's kind of a happy train wreck.

If you're 1 of the 3 girls in pics with a greaseball whose arms are around you at a club you lose at life. If you're the greaseball you win.

I'm traveling the world, ripping rooms apart with my stupendous comedy.

Just saw a t-shirt at the gym said, "body by torture". That's a lot less ironic if you're a political prisoner in the Middle East.

I went skiing today, too, yeah. I didn't wanna go. The girl I'm stalking wanted to go, so… I'm not kiddin!

For the love of God, folks, don't try this at home.