Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 985
Incredible experience, watching a baby birth on the internet. It's now my screensaver.
If I don't take anything that I say seriously only an idiot would.
My penis is like a burn victim after I orgasm. Don't get near it. It hurts. Leave it be.
Sometimes you feel in control, and it's great, but sometimes you just don't feel in control and you really have to struggle to get laughs.
I'm not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share.
I prefer to sleep with deaf girls. Those crazy chicks never have a safe word.
I can't pay her back, but what I can do is make her as happy as she thought I would when we first got married.
The University of Ilinois has hired 15 women to smell pig manure all day so that researchers can find out what makes pig manure smell so bad. You know who I feel sorry for? The woman who applied for this job and got turned down.
I'm a bit of a potty mouth. My dad used to wash out my mouth with soap, but that was just to get rid of any traces of his DNA.
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top.
Did you hear this – Sarah Palin finally heard what happened in Japan and she’s demanding that we invade Tsunami. I mean she said, "These Tsunamians will not get away with this". Oh speaking of dumb twats, did you...
I would have sex with a 17 year old boy. But the only problem is most of them still live at home with their mama. And I am too old to be sneaking into a bitch’s house to have sex with her son on a twin bed. Do you know how hard it is to have sex on a twin bed? To try to keep your balance on a bed with some Star Wars sheets on it?