Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 985

Being brokenhearted is like having broken ribs. On the outside it looks like nothing's wrong, but every breath hurts.

When it's cold - I'll tell you what happens when it's cold: You get a lot of shit done and you get ladies pregnant. When it's hot, ladies will say, "You're sweating, get the fuck off of me." Ladies like doggie style in the summertime. Missionary style is more of a wintertime sexual position. Understand?

I was doing sketches that were funny, but socially irresponsible. It was encouraged.

Canada, the drinking age is 18, that’s unnecessary. Nobody wants to get loaded around people who have hope and their whole lives still ahead of them.

In my stand-up, I’ve always been loose. If there’s a curtain onstage, I’ll use that in my act. If there’s a door, I’ll use the door. I always like to use everything at my disposal, which makes each show a little different and a little more fun.

It used to be Rhodesia, before they killed all them white muthafuckas.

Don't tempt me, I can resist anything but temptation.

Nobody can tell me what I can or can't do, except they can.

The auction houses seemed not as dull as their financial counterparts on Wall Street, where parents of daughters imagined glass celings and bottom patting.

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?

I don't have any rules, so don't invite me to game night.

Men hate to lose. I beat my husband once at tennis. I asked him, "Will we ever make love again?" He said, "Yes.... but not with each other."

61% of graduating teens have had sex, 37% will eventually have sex, and 2% become statisticians.

I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.

If you want to elect Bush, that's the prick that I'm gonna yell about. If you want to elect John Kerry, I'm gonna be yelling about him. My problem is with authority.