Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 985
They got this program called Intervention. White people get on planes and boats and buses then go all the way across country to save the one muthafucka in the family who’s on crack. Black people don’t do shit like that. If you’re on crack, that’s your business.
It's funny how cucumber water can taste so much better than pickle juice, even though they come from the same source.
Orville Wright, who said to his brother Will, "We're only in the air twelve seconds; how the hell did our luggage get to Cleveland?" Never got a dinner!
My thinking is, if we're setting out to make comedy in which nothing is off limits, then everybody is fair game.
This girl asked me out one time. She told me she was an actress in porno movies. I’m like, “Alright, when do you want to go out?”<br /> She goes, “I’m working Tuesday and Wednesday. How about Thursday?”<br /> “Uh, how about Monday?”
Hey, is there a new critically acclaimed movie called “Other People”? Because that’s what I want to see.
I saw the movie, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon and I was surprised because I didn't see any tigers or dragons. And then I realised why: they're crouching and hidden.
In a movie like this, the relationship between the two guys is crucial. It sinks or swims on how these two guys are together. I think we did a good job.
One of the most difficult and ironic murder weapons is the life jacket.
If the new American father feels bewildered and even defeated, let him take comfort from the fact that whatever he does in any fathering situation has a fifty percent chance of being right.
[as George W. Bush] I will tame evil, I will get the evil ones, We must find the evil ones. We must get evil, we must laminate evil, we must wear it round our necks, at the backstage party in paradise!
Without the beat in the background, Jazz basically sounds like an armadillo was let loose on the keyboard
Last time you bring me pie, I cut into it, with my tiny pie cutter, and millions of birds flew out hitting me in the eyes and the temples...it was a trick pie!