Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 985
For me, it's that I contributed, ... That I'm on this planet doing some good and making people happy. That's to me the most important thing, that my hour of television is positive and upbeat and an antidote for all the negative stuff going on in life.
He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library. I thought, "That's a turn-up for the books."
I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back!
It is amazing how email has changed our lives. You ever get a handwritten letter in the mail today? “What the?... Has someone been kidnapped?”
Does anyone know... does the Christian persecution complex have an expiration date? Because... uh... you've all been in charge pretty much since... uh... what was that guys name... Constantine. He converted in, what was it, 312 A.D. I'm just saying, enjoy your success.
My buddy got busted for counterfeiting. He was making pennies. They caught him because he was putting the heads and tails on the wrong sides.
'Fang' is permanent in my act of course. Don't confuse him with my real husbands. They are temporary.
The average life expectancy rate in some parts of Glasgow is 54. If you’ve ever been there, you’ll realize that that’s maybe a bit long.
Some people say "don't use your personal life for comedic fodder". These people may be right, but I have no other life to use so fuck em.
I don't like comedy. I like funny things. I don't like comedy. Like, comedy movies are just, 'Oh Jesus.'
For a long time I thought I knew for sure who I was. I grew up in New Orleans and became a comedian. And there was everything that came along with that. The nightclubs. The smoking. The drinking. Then I turned 13.
The best way to make somebody feel important is to try to assassinate them.