Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 986

Damn! This flight attendant treating us like we won these first class tickets in a contest.

But sometimes the women writers will pitch something and I'll hear it, but the men will keep talking.

I can go from blokey to girlie in 15 minutes and then I'm out the door. But that's the fastest I can do it. Becoming a woman takes work.

My childhood was bad. No father. Mother was greedy and brought me up awful - never made me breakfast once. I don't want to get started. One story is worse than another.

Thank you people that are laughing with your hand away from your mouth. That joke is clearly not for everyone, but I enjoy watching people that don’t laugh make the people that do laugh feel shitty about themselves.

You know how you always expect someone to think the same as you and then your like, really shocked when they don't? Like when it's a cold day and you turn to the person next to you and say, 'Its so cold, aren't you cold?' and then they say 'no.' It's kinda like, 'what, are you a communist?'

Over Christmas, I like to dress up as Jesus and I go to malls. And I walk through the malls saying, “No! No! This isn’t what it’s supposed to be about people.”

I'm a peripheral visionary.

But then, like George Michael in a men's bathroom, I got cocky.

When the stripper jumped out of the giant cake, everyone got excited. But then when she jumped into the regular-size cake, everyone got confused.

It used to be Rhodesia, before they killed all them white muthafuckas.

Nobody can tell me what I can or can't do, except they can.

Now all of us can talk to the NSA - just by dialing any number.

That's why Credit card companies are evil. Are they sponsoring the show tonight? They are Evil.

After all this time I found that the novel is in fact punk rock.