Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 986
My neighbor's pit bull just attacked their baby. Their kid is fine. But the baby's dead.
If I don't take anything that I say seriously only an idiot would.
You're 28, why are you going to goth clubs? Do what I do, sit at home & wait to die. You don't have to kill yourself, you're just waiting.
Even before I knew I was gay, I knew I didn't want to have a child. I knew I didn't want to have one. I never want to have to release it from me. Listen, I love babies. I love children. And I melt when I'm around them. I also love my freedom and I love that I can sleep at night.
There's a point when you're famous and it's unbearable to go out because you're too famous. And there's a moment when you're famous just right.
Do you think that during the Dust Bowl in the 1930's in the Midwest people thought "Wow, this must be global warming" or did they just think "Fuck, it hasn't rained in a while."
59% of all suicides are actually botched murder-suicides performed by dyslexics.
Have you ever been to an AA meeting? No wonder these people are alcoholics - I've never needed a drink more badly in my life.
I went "0-7..." and he actually went "Slow down!" So I went "0..." and he went "0-7-0..." "No! 0-7..." "0-7-0-0-7..." "No! 0...7..." "0-7-0-0-7-0-7" "Start again!" "How's Susan?" "Not the conversation, the number! That's not my number!" "Giving me a fake number?! Don't you want me to call?!" "No, no...!" Anyway, he hasn't called.
“They had to ask Spain I think, they’ve had to say to Spain, can you lend us some stuff for the roads, and it’s Gordon Brown phoning up going ‘pass the salt’”
I used to binge-eat and make myself throw up. I was a fat kid. Obviously I didn’t quite master the bulimia.
My generation didn`t face the kind of urgent, pressing issues that my parents did, who fought through a war and a Depression and know what suffering is. That`s why Bob Dole had a tough time with this electorate. He was an old-fashioned curmudgeon who knew about sacrifice, and we didn`t know if we could live up to his standards. But we knew we could live up to Bill Clinton`s. He`s more like one of us.