Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 986

You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart.

George Bush hates midgets.

Socrates became a trendsetter. Other philosophers, including Plato and Aristotle and Gus, quickly followed suit, dropping their last names too. And, for centuries after that there would be countless imitators including oltaire, Michelangelo, and, much later, Cher.

Political correctness seems to me to be about an institutionalized politeness at its worst.

During her pregnancy my mother referred to me as a "wreck-in-progress."

You know what I like to do when I'm at Blockbuster? You know the quick- drop that they have there? I like to stick my penis in there. And then look at the help and say, "Have you seen this, is this any good?"

I've never wanted an Oscar, although they are reassuring to an actor who doesn't know how really great he is.

Being proud of your nationality is like congratulating yourself for inheriting money.

If something’s neither here nor there, where the hell is it?

I think that's when I knew I lost my youth; when I was no longer able to act like I was interested in a dumb chick just to fuck her.

Even before I knew I was gay, I knew I didn't want to have a child. I knew I didn't want to have one. I never want to have to release it from me. Listen, I love babies. I love children. And I melt when I'm around them. I also love my freedom and I love that I can sleep at night.

But seriously, I think overall in the scheme of things winning an Emmy is not important. Let's get our priorities straight. I think we all know what's really important in life - winning an Oscar.

I have no money. I don’t even have a savings account cause I don’t know my mother’s maiden name and apparently that’s the key to whole thing.

I am so tired of rearranging my life around what the stupidest people might do.

It’s hard to believe that if there is a God, he would want people to stand in the street and shout like maniacs. I think He would choose better qualified people.