Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 986
I swear if Colgate comes out with one more type of toothepaste. I just want clean teeth that's all I want. I don't want the tartar and I don't want the cavaties. And I want white teeth. How come I have to choose? And then they have the 'Colgate Total' that supposedly has everything in there. I don't believe that for one second. If it's all in the one, how come they make all the others? Who's going: "I don't mind the tartar so much."?
When I started stand-up, the first thing I did was to take an improv class.
They’ve bought out a condom now for people with premature ejaculation and they’ve put an anesthetic in the lining that makes you numb and you can last for longer. Or, you can wear it inside out and you don’t have to wake anybody up!
Here's the analogy. If my body were a car, I'd be thinking about trading it in around now. I would like to upgrade. I would be actually on the lot somewhere and some guy with a loud sports jacket would be sizing me up... kinda looking around going maybe kicking my knees. Looking behind me going: "That looks a little bashed in back there...Yeah. You mind if I check under the hood?" "Well yes I do! Thank you very much."
If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says "Why the long face?". The horse replies: "I'm deeply troubled by the anthropomorphic aspects of my existence and the extent to which I am now protected by law."
Does anyone find it ironic how a program aimed at old people is called 'Countdown'?
I think the hard thing about stand-up - I mean, I think this part is great - but that the traveling is y'know, 'cause - 'cause I'm gone a lot from home and this time I'm out for three-and-a-half weeks without going home, and that's hard, to be gone three-and-a-half weeks 'cause then I have to ask my friends, "Would you mind going to the house and watering the plants, and turn some lights on and make it look like somebody's home, and make sure that the mobile over the crib isn't tangled or the baby's gonna get bored..."
You are human tennis elbow. You are a pizza burn on the roof of the world's mouth. You are the opposite of Batman.
Love is too weak a word for what I feel - I luuurve you, you know, I loave you, I luff you, two F's, yes.
What is it with conservatives? Seriously, I'm not trying to be partisan but it seems like if they're anti-illegal alien, they have illegal aliens working for them. If they're anti-gay, they turn out to be gay. If they're super Christian, they're a witch.